Thursday, May 6, 2010

Wow That Was Quick...

Just wanted to start of by saying "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" because I'm a horny immature teenage guy and couldnt help it.

Anyways, yeah. Good news already. First of all I wanted to say that I cleared the 8 foot mark with 6 inches to spare on Pole Vault today. I was very proud of myself because that was the first time I've ever cleared 8 feet. So that ended track on a very high note and I was very happy. So I have very high hopes for the meet on Saturday that happens to be in Berlin which means me getting to school at 6:45 in the morning to get on at bus that leaves at 7. It's going to be a long day. So this made me feel very accomplished and good.

Second thing, of course is a girl but that's ok cos it's not going anywhere, it just boosted my self confidence. So there has been this girl that I've been attracted to from afar ever since I became a schoolie last year. I've never talked to her, and I didnt think she had ever noticed me in her life. Well apparently at Winter Carnival this year she did happen to notice me. She was with a good friend of mine and we didnt talk, I dont even think we made eye contact but apparently she was checking me out all night while I was doing the same and we never noticed. Well today someone told me I should ask her to prom because she doesnt have a date and then I asked around and found out she was interested in me and I amazed! But sadly quickly angered because I have already said yes to going to prom with another girl. That isnt the point though. I dont really know her but just from seeing her and talking to other people she is a total sweetheart the only downside is that she has a kid. She is only 18, it was a high school mistake of some sort. I dont really know the story.

So in the end I'm feeling pretty good. Prom will be fun. I'm doing good in pole vault finally after sucking. I will hopefully become good friends with this girl and maybe it will go somewhere or maybe I will realize I dont like her. We will see on that part. My only fear is that if anything were to go between us as far as a relationship goes and my mom...or my dad for that matter find out she has a kid then I think they would probably rip my head off. I sometimes hate how judgemental they can be. Whether it's just because they dont like how someone looks, talks, or if they dont like their parents, or anything else for that matter! Just because of this stuff doesnt mean someone isnt an amazing person. Either way I'm feeling better. Still a little bit of a rollar coaster but I'm letting go because holding on tore me apart way to much.

The past holds lessons to learn from, the present is full of new experiences, and the future is full of the unknown. All I know is that my future is going to be hitting the fast track after this year. It's a daunting thought but I think I'm ready for it. I need to grow up and get my priorities straight. As always, until next time.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010


I'm really getting sick of these depressing entries and I feel like you are too. So this is the last one I'm posting until I have something nice and positive and radiant to say. As for the title, yeah. I cried for the first time in a very long time tonight. The last time I cried was probably something like 3 or more years ago. I cant even remember the last time I cried. It was a soby sniffly cry. It was just tears. I was sitting on the computer drowning in so many emotions and thoughts and I couldnt take it anymore. The tears swelled and dripped down my face, soaking my lap. I dont really know why I cried. I've been through worse, I've felt worse but this time it just happened.

So many things were and still are running through my head. I finally was so split and conflicted with myself that I couldnt control anything. Love, hate, anger, depression. I had it all. Then were the memories. Each one as vivid as if I were experiencing it all over again. It had all been building for awhile. I should have seen in coming. The last 6 days have been so full of everything from confusion to fury and from love to hate. I can honestly say though that I feel better. Refreshed. Like all my emotions drained out more and more with each tear. Now it's nothing, for now at least. I imagine tomorrow I will be back to being frustrated and depressed and confused and all of the above. My only hope is that all this doesnt ruin prom night.

I suppose all of this could also be accounted towards my 5 or 6 hours of full sleep I've had in all over the last few days. The sad thing is sleep hasnt come because of the reason I cried and I'm still not tired. When I am I will force myself to stay away until I can hardly keep my head up then I will go to bed. So exhausted that I wont dream, because I know my dreams will show me exactly what I dont want to see. I was so hungry by the end of work but now I'm not. Everything is out of whack but I need to get over it.

So the next week is going to be rough. I plan to run hard and long just to push all these emotions down. I'm going to start working out so I look half decent for prom next Saturday. I want to have a fun time. I dont know how well all this is going to work. I'll put an entry in when I finally have something good or nice or at least slightly positive to say. You know you can text me anytime to talk. It would be a nice surprise. As always, until next time.


Monday, May 3, 2010

If Home is Where the Heart Is...

Then my home is with you. To bad my home has been crumbling since the start. It's really an awful feeling. Wanting something so bad but knowing what you really need to do. It feels like your mind has been split in two and you dont know how to feel or how to act, or talk, or function at all. Stay Together for the Kids by Blink 182. It reminds me of so much. Whether it's you and I, my parents, friends, so much. It's going to be a rough couple weeks but I need to grow up and realize it's the best for you and it's the best for me.

All day I've had flash backs of so many happy times that bring a little grin hardly noticeable. Just a depressing little grin. From MIT with friends 3 years ago or some of our best times. One Less Lonely Girl coming on your tv that morning before school. When I whispered I love you and gave you the teddy bear that I was going to end up burning. When I lifted your face to look you in the eyes and show I cared so much and the world could disappear as long as we had each other. Good memories. Good thoughts. Good feelings. Everything that was ever so bad hasnt meant anything because of these memories. These flitting flashbacks that last less than a second. Seeing a whole amazing day go by in my minds eye within seconds and having the small little moments come and go almost as if they werent their. Then they stop and realize just how much I should have appreciated all those moments more. Not taken them for granted because I will never have memories as good as those but I never did. I just kept going on with my day to day routine like it was all nothing.

So then it's the depression. The anger. Me sitting at my desk shaking from head to toe. Hyperventilating. Closing my eyes and trying to breath. Shoving my Ipod into my ears and blasting the music and trying to destroy all the bad with hard core metal screamo bands blasting into my ears making me more deaf by the day. Afterwords I dont care. Nothing matters. Everything is stupid, boring, and not worth a second of my time or thought.

I guess I dont know what to think. All I know is that I appreciate the small things. Just being outside, quiet, thinking. I've come to realize that one of my favorite sounds and most calming is the chirping of Wood frogs in the spring and summer. It had been forever since I'd heard them but just last week I opened my window to find a small pond acrossed from my house has a small population of wood frogs and they chirp all night. All I have to do is lay down and close my eyes and listen carefully and it's complete tranquility. I could almost tell you how many frogs live in the pond because I lay awake at night so late listening to the chirps and hearing the different tones and pitches. Then when I wake up in the morning hundreds of birds are chirping and flying around the house. I know I've written it before but I envy the birds so much. Their freedom. Hardly a care in the world. Just them and the sky. I would give everything just for a day with a pair of huge wings.

So in the end I guess I'm keeping this blog going because I dont want to disappear from some friends I cherish more than life itself. Lately I've had a desire to just start writing in notebooks. About everything. My whole day. When I finish a notebook just move on to the next one. The only thing is that I would not want anyone to read them and I think someone would find them. That and I want to keep this going so that you know I'm still alive. I'm praying, even begging to God every night that I might be able to go to the picnic because it would be the highlight of my year. Yet I have this apprehensive feeling that both my parents and God are going to just kick me in the balls again and watch me suffer some more. Either way I think I've learned to deal.

So much going on. So much to say. So many feelings. So many thoughts. I dont think I could ever write or type every piece of thought I have because they just keep coming and piling up and then they are lost only to be rekindled again someday when something or someone reminds me of them. I wish I could put it all down right now. Right here. On paper. Maybe then I would not only make sense to someone else but to myself. I'm thinking about writing again. Back to poems and maybe a story. That's only if I can find the time. This quarter I wanted to prove my parents wrong by getting all A's but that's already failing. Well I could rant all night about anything and everything but I have homework to do and it's 11:30 and I havent started anything at all. As always. Until next time