Friday, April 30, 2010
So I was just in the shower maybe 20 minutes ago thinking "God damnit I hate mornings..." then I realized I never really put a reason why so I thought about it and here is what I have. I dont know if you've ever seen any of those sci fi movies where the hero gets his brain downloaded with knowledge or say The Butterfly Effect when he comes back to the "now" and all the events flood his brain. Well mornings are like that to me except usually a lot less painful. My conscience flicks on, yeah flicks. Bam. Awake. Full awareness of everything in a matter of 2.2 micro seconds. Then all the memories flood back in. What happened that week, what happened the night before, and the dream I had that night. Now me having a pretty emotional rollar coaster life, I always end up getting flooded with all my problems because there is rarely ever something happy to think about. Granted I do have my good morning where I wake up and remember something good that happened or something good that will happen that day and I'm actually very energetic, but in 9 out of 10 cases I'm in a bad mood.
Take last night for instance. It was a sex dream. I'm a teenage guy, get over it, but that isnt the problem. The problem is that the girl I was with was one of my closest and most trusted friends (even though I have always had a little crush/interest in her but shhhhh) so I wake up shaking my head going woooow I'd never do that. One reason why I'm in a bad mood this morning. The next is that I remember I have to walk for a half hour to get to school for track practice. On the bright side I really could use a walk. Lets hope it isnt cold out and windy. Mom said it was supposed to be nice.
Oh well. I feel better and now you have an explanation, as do I. So I'm off to get ready for track. Well there is one more thing bugging me....But this problem I'd like to keep to myself because this has never really happened to me before and it kinda makes me happy, yet, it's a problem all in itself. So until next time.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
"Sorry my conscience called in sick again." I've been having a few dilemas lately as always. They never really show up unless I think about them, which is a good thing because my mind has been distracted by video games, friends, and up coming events. See the problem is that one of my friends just happens to be a very boy crazy girl. She has a different guy every week but in the end she has always always always been very attracted to me. Now she's a flirt in general but when she flirts with me it's completely different. She desperately tries to get my attention and does whatever it takes to get me to talk to her. Now I think of her just as a friend even though me being a teenage guy am attracted to her. This is where my hormones and brains come into clash fest. My brain tells me hanging out with her is a bad idea because stuff will most definitely probably happen which will be bad for the friendship, and then you have my hormones, along with every other teenage guy friend, telling me I should hang out with her and get whatever I can from. Of course my hormones tell me it's a good idea. My head tells me not to. It's a big mess and the biggest thing is that she wont admit that she likes me. Not even to her closest friends who have been honest with me ever since she started talking to me. Either way it's a big problem.
My next problem is still these feelings I dont know why I feel. My heart couldnt careless but my head keeps caring and then I get furious with myself for even starting to care. Basically to the point where I am shaking. In the end I just have to find something to take my mind off of everything. I find it so stupid that I'm still being so weak and doing something I know I should. Well mentally of course. I dont even want to get into what I've done physically that I shouldnt have these last couple days. It was a very stupid decision that I also got very mad at myself for but I still did it cos at the time I didnt care but when I realized the reprocutions I started to realize how stupid I was. Either way I havent been myself in many different ways and I'm afraid I'm going to start seeming very fake to all my friends because I am desperately trying to hold onto the me that I know and love. It would seem to be an uphill battle.
Next thing that bugs me are little crushes or attractions to girls. I wouldnt call it liking them because it really isnt me liking them. It's me going "She is really nice, fun to be around, a good person, and we have a good time together" which would spark any guys attention but then I realize just how little time I have and after that time is up I would never be able to sustain a good relationship while I am gone so I dont even go for it. It's to the point where I dont know why I act a certain way. This one girl for example. She had just done something and we gave each a double high five in the air and instead of pulling away we both kept our hands together and ended up holding hands. Then I walked away shaking my head wondering how and why that had happened. It just baffles me. Either way I'm set on being single. I really dont want a commitment. I really dont want another girl blowing up my phone 24/7. Some of my closest guy friends have girlfriends and it reminds me of how I was. The girl always squeeling and whining baaaabe when she cant get what she wants. Or him always on the phone texting or calling her. It's just so stupid. It's a waste of time. Sure it's great to keep in contact. To see each other but I really think it is possible for each of them to have a little bit of their own time. Or maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I dont value such an amazing human connection. Maybe I was just never meant to charish moments with someone. Maybe I'm just a loner. Either way that's the wait it will be. As always, until next time.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I want to care and I start to care but I lose it and just get angry at myself.
I want to believe you've changed and that you really are making your life better and doing what is right for you but after 4 months of seeing how you had chosen to be I dont.
I'm fine with everything, I'm happy I'm single. I'm glad I dont have a girl in my life just to tie me down and keep me from my dreams but I still feel like I'm alone in everything.
I'm going crazy on the inside but I find I'm still so sane.
I feel the limitations of my body and of my mind but every time I push the boundries of both the physical and mental the more I realize just how limited I am.
I have so many questions, so many feelings, and so many thoughts that just wont seem to be answered or resolved.
I'm just not meant to be with someone and I'm just meant to show people the path they really belong on, but in a way that I dont even realize.
I have so many worries of hurting someone else in my own selfish acts so I put my friends first and in the end make bigger mistakes by having the wrong friends.
I cant wait to get out of the house but I'm still so scared of the real world. Of have to fend for myself and work all for nothing than the next bill or the next meal.
It's like I can never get anything right...
Monday, April 26, 2010
Either way I dont really know where I was going with this entry and I've decided it's just going to be short. I'm to tired to go into some deep meaningful thoughts. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe...As always until next time
Thursday, April 22, 2010
As for my feelings about going for a half year, that is a good compromise for me and my friends but at the same time I dont think I'll be able to take 3 months or so of school. Then going for the whole year seems just plain stupid. If I cant stand it this year how will I make it through next year. Once my friends heard my options so many of them said they would miss me. One of my close friends said she'd be devistated if I didnt came back and that really hit me hard in my heart. At the same time my head is telling me to do what is best for me.
Next is how fast everything is coming. I need to decide what I want to do by June as far as graduation goes. Plus I need to start really sitting down and thinking about what I want to do after high school. I know military but I do not know what branch. With my ASVAB score of 90 out of 99 I can basically do whatever I want in the military no matter where I go. I could go into nuclear science. Be all crazy and then when I get out go into the secret service and just be plain kick ass. It is a very tempting thought because I would make bank but at the same time I dont know. I have my eyes on the Navy to travel...but I'm getting more and more turned onto the Marines. They're so kick ass and I want some daunting title. So I can be like "Yeah I was a Marine for 10 years" or something because it just sounds better than "I was in the Navy" So another thing I have to think about.
Plus, even though it's really stupid to say, I'm elligible for a new phone in June and I have no clue what I want! It's a stupid thing to be bugged about but it's just another choice, another thing to think about that's added onto my list.
Another thing that is bugging me is how everytime I need or am going to do work something to do with my parents ends up throwing off my night. Tonight I had to type a 15 page research essay rough draft due tomorrow but no, my mom had some jewelry party and no surprise all these women brought their annoying little elementary kids that dont understanding running around the house screaming and running through someone's room really isnt a good idea. Long story short I did not even do a cover page tonight. So now my stress level is so high and I cant even think about doing it now.
This brings me to the title of this entry. Pickers. Yeah I hate them. Definition of picker- Someone that picks or does little things to slowly drive someone insane. This includes but is not limited to actions, small hints, or starting arguments every minute you see them about a subject. I'm surrounded by pickers. My teachers, my parents, my boss, and even some of my friends. It drives a person insane. My mother picks about everything and anything and on top of that is every negative thought that anyone could come up about any subject I bring up. Her energy is just negative. She comes into the room and I'm instantly frustrated, angry, depressed, and just cant stand anything. Pickers. They suck and I hate them.
In the end I'm just in a really weird mood. I know this was all complaining and I dont blame you if you didnt even get through the first paragraph but I guess this is the only place I can unload. I've been thinking about stealing a notebook and keeping a journal/ writing book with me at all times just so I can maybe actually put something interesting up on here. Well I guess I'll attempt to go to bed again. Maybe try putting my Ipod in this time. As always, until next time.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
My music gets me ready for the school day. It pushes all my fears, thoughts, and emotions from dreams I have had the night before. It pushes all the stress from the school day down so when I get home I dont blow up in my mom's annoying whiny and demanding face but that's only on the bus. Because lately I've had track after school, track is another alternative. Something about being was really great people, and something about running a mile that picking up spears, disks, and heavy balls to throw as hard as I can helps me unwind. Oh and dont forget about me running and using a pole to jump over something that is 8 feet tall. Then I listen to music when I'm upset and have homework because it both pushes those emotions away and gets me set on one thing and one thing only and that is getting my homework done.
In the end it seems that music is what is keeping me sane on the outside and slowly driving me crazy. That added onto the little and very disturbed sleep I have and everyone in my life that just drives me closer and closer to the ultimate sin. Sometimes I wonder just how stable I really am. No one on the outside would ever realize but on the inside I scare myself sometimes. Violent massacres, suicide, rape, and arsony all twirl around in a vortex of darker and darker thoughts. They have yet to break through. The closest thing to a break through is my rage bringing a murder about and I highly doubt that will happen just because it only happens rarely. I dont know. Either way I guess I"m a really scary person but for some reason people arent intimidated. And I dont plan them to be until the exact moment that it's to late.
Now that I've scared you almost as much as I scare myself I'm going to bed. Only for tomorrow to be a repeat of my daily routine that has yet to surprise me. My life is boring. School is a waste of my time. It all just seems so close yet so far away. Until next time.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
It's really one emotion. It's many. You put on the surface a fake smile and friendly attitude, underneath is an undescribable depression that comes from things that have just been piling up and piling up, and the core is anger. Pure rage. Think of it as a volcano waiting to explode. This is an increasingly bad thing because in this lava is almost everyone's worst nightmares. Their most person secrets or stories or experiences that could be used against them. That the world could find out about in a New York minute.
At work the other night I was talking to a friend of mine. She's one of the few people that I dont fake a smile for. You have the honest me, and then you have the 100% completely absolutely honest me that doesnt give just part of the truth. When I'm around her or I'm talking to her I am the completely honest me. I was talking about how I wanted to get out of here. How next year I'm shipping off to boot camp and then I'm either being shipped to Iraq or I'm getting getting on a ship to travel the world. Not sure which one yet. It could be either of them at this point depending on how crazy I want to be.
The weird thing is that I have this feeling of something bigger. It's like there is something out there that no one has thought of, or felt, or even dreamed of. I could also blame this feeling to lack of sleep and deep depression that is making me have memory loss and social problems. Then I talk about all that and I realize how much of a problem my life is and how everyone must get so sick and tired of hearing it. I know I get pissed when someone just wont let go for half a second and look on the bright side.
Either way there isnt really anything good to right about. Maybe in my sleep I'll have a dream tha twill inspire me. Or maybe I just wont write until I have something good to say. I'm going to try and get some sleep though. As always, until next time.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I bring this all up because this short encounter brought a flood of emotions and thoughts and memories. The boy reminded me of myself in my young days. I loved nature, animals, bugs, anything that had to do with the outside. My mom bought me a different type of nature book every week. From trees and flowers to reptiles, amphibians, birds, and mammals. I was so engulfed by it and loved reading about everything in God's creation. Then the happy couple brought that feeling of envy that I get everytime I see a happy couple. I smiled to myself thinking how much I wanted something like that but how I always seem to let the people closest to me go. How I can never seem to hold on to that pure bliss of being with someone I cant get enough of. Then it brought me to the thought of how my parents have seemed to never really get along. I think we hardly ever did anything as family and whenever it was a family event how much everyone always fought or how us kids would do something to get Dad yelling. This just makes it seem like my parents are together just because they had me. Just because Mom got pregnant with me 4 months before their marriage. It's just such a deep feeling that I've been having with a lot of things lately. A feeling that no one ever made a word for and can hardly be described in words. I dont think I could write how it feels but maybe talking about it the right words may fall into place.
The next point I wanted to make is my perception of time. Lately my memory has been with time. Time down to the minute. Another thing that has really been getting to me is that it seems like everyday I always check the time at 9:11 both am and pm. Everyday. Without fail. It's just such an awful day in American history and here I am opening my phone, twice a day, right on 9:11. It's things like these along with my dreams that really freak me out. It feels good to be writing again. Sure I write in school, but god knows I could never write exactly what I feel most of the time without them suggesting a therapist and some prescription drugs. Well as always when I write, it is late. I am tired. My plan was to get a bunch of things done but as always I find myself finding some way to spend my time in a way that I find meaning in rather than pointless school. That is a different subject for later discussion though. As aways, until next time.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
It was approximately 2:50 in the afternoon after school. I had just gotten off the bus, just like everyday, and found that it was raining again. As I walked the 100 or so feet to the bottom of my driveway from the bus stop, I let out a heavy sigh. Today was the first warm rain that had fallen that spring and it was refreshing. I took a big whiff of the fresh spring air and let out another sigh and immediately thought that this was pure bliss. The rain was not so heavy in the amount of rain drops, but rather that the rain drops made of for the lack of number in the volume of each rain drop. It was not pouring, but certainly not a drizzle. These large rain drops could be felt on the hood of my red American Eagle hoodie, could be seen splashing off of my arms and off the ground around me, and the sound of each drop reverberating around me in the soaked road to my left. One of my strange habits when it is raining it to look straight up into the sky, and I have not given this extensive thought more for the reason that I do not want to ruin the amazing feeling this brings. As I looked up to the heavens and the rain drops splashed my face, I realized just how content I was. In that moment every strand of stress, every negative thought and all the build up from a superficial society seemed to wash out of me just as easily as the rain was washing the dirt off the road. This less than two minute walk, from the bus stop to the entrance to my house, seemed like the longest, yet most wonderful walk of my life and will be replaced only by an even better refreshing summer rain. This feeling however ended abruptly when I stepped into my house and back into the maelstrom of stress and emotions that come with every teenager’s life, no less to the thanks of my overreacting mother.
Until next time.