Monday, May 3, 2010

If Home is Where the Heart Is...

Then my home is with you. To bad my home has been crumbling since the start. It's really an awful feeling. Wanting something so bad but knowing what you really need to do. It feels like your mind has been split in two and you dont know how to feel or how to act, or talk, or function at all. Stay Together for the Kids by Blink 182. It reminds me of so much. Whether it's you and I, my parents, friends, so much. It's going to be a rough couple weeks but I need to grow up and realize it's the best for you and it's the best for me.

All day I've had flash backs of so many happy times that bring a little grin hardly noticeable. Just a depressing little grin. From MIT with friends 3 years ago or some of our best times. One Less Lonely Girl coming on your tv that morning before school. When I whispered I love you and gave you the teddy bear that I was going to end up burning. When I lifted your face to look you in the eyes and show I cared so much and the world could disappear as long as we had each other. Good memories. Good thoughts. Good feelings. Everything that was ever so bad hasnt meant anything because of these memories. These flitting flashbacks that last less than a second. Seeing a whole amazing day go by in my minds eye within seconds and having the small little moments come and go almost as if they werent their. Then they stop and realize just how much I should have appreciated all those moments more. Not taken them for granted because I will never have memories as good as those but I never did. I just kept going on with my day to day routine like it was all nothing.

So then it's the depression. The anger. Me sitting at my desk shaking from head to toe. Hyperventilating. Closing my eyes and trying to breath. Shoving my Ipod into my ears and blasting the music and trying to destroy all the bad with hard core metal screamo bands blasting into my ears making me more deaf by the day. Afterwords I dont care. Nothing matters. Everything is stupid, boring, and not worth a second of my time or thought.

I guess I dont know what to think. All I know is that I appreciate the small things. Just being outside, quiet, thinking. I've come to realize that one of my favorite sounds and most calming is the chirping of Wood frogs in the spring and summer. It had been forever since I'd heard them but just last week I opened my window to find a small pond acrossed from my house has a small population of wood frogs and they chirp all night. All I have to do is lay down and close my eyes and listen carefully and it's complete tranquility. I could almost tell you how many frogs live in the pond because I lay awake at night so late listening to the chirps and hearing the different tones and pitches. Then when I wake up in the morning hundreds of birds are chirping and flying around the house. I know I've written it before but I envy the birds so much. Their freedom. Hardly a care in the world. Just them and the sky. I would give everything just for a day with a pair of huge wings.

So in the end I guess I'm keeping this blog going because I dont want to disappear from some friends I cherish more than life itself. Lately I've had a desire to just start writing in notebooks. About everything. My whole day. When I finish a notebook just move on to the next one. The only thing is that I would not want anyone to read them and I think someone would find them. That and I want to keep this going so that you know I'm still alive. I'm praying, even begging to God every night that I might be able to go to the picnic because it would be the highlight of my year. Yet I have this apprehensive feeling that both my parents and God are going to just kick me in the balls again and watch me suffer some more. Either way I think I've learned to deal.

So much going on. So much to say. So many feelings. So many thoughts. I dont think I could ever write or type every piece of thought I have because they just keep coming and piling up and then they are lost only to be rekindled again someday when something or someone reminds me of them. I wish I could put it all down right now. Right here. On paper. Maybe then I would not only make sense to someone else but to myself. I'm thinking about writing again. Back to poems and maybe a story. That's only if I can find the time. This quarter I wanted to prove my parents wrong by getting all A's but that's already failing. Well I could rant all night about anything and everything but I have homework to do and it's 11:30 and I havent started anything at all. As always. Until next time


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