Thursday, May 6, 2010
Anyways, yeah. Good news already. First of all I wanted to say that I cleared the 8 foot mark with 6 inches to spare on Pole Vault today. I was very proud of myself because that was the first time I've ever cleared 8 feet. So that ended track on a very high note and I was very happy. So I have very high hopes for the meet on Saturday that happens to be in Berlin which means me getting to school at 6:45 in the morning to get on at bus that leaves at 7. It's going to be a long day. So this made me feel very accomplished and good.
Second thing, of course is a girl but that's ok cos it's not going anywhere, it just boosted my self confidence. So there has been this girl that I've been attracted to from afar ever since I became a schoolie last year. I've never talked to her, and I didnt think she had ever noticed me in her life. Well apparently at Winter Carnival this year she did happen to notice me. She was with a good friend of mine and we didnt talk, I dont even think we made eye contact but apparently she was checking me out all night while I was doing the same and we never noticed. Well today someone told me I should ask her to prom because she doesnt have a date and then I asked around and found out she was interested in me and I amazed! But sadly quickly angered because I have already said yes to going to prom with another girl. That isnt the point though. I dont really know her but just from seeing her and talking to other people she is a total sweetheart the only downside is that she has a kid. She is only 18, it was a high school mistake of some sort. I dont really know the story.
So in the end I'm feeling pretty good. Prom will be fun. I'm doing good in pole vault finally after sucking. I will hopefully become good friends with this girl and maybe it will go somewhere or maybe I will realize I dont like her. We will see on that part. My only fear is that if anything were to go between us as far as a relationship goes and my mom...or my dad for that matter find out she has a kid then I think they would probably rip my head off. I sometimes hate how judgemental they can be. Whether it's just because they dont like how someone looks, talks, or if they dont like their parents, or anything else for that matter! Just because of this stuff doesnt mean someone isnt an amazing person. Either way I'm feeling better. Still a little bit of a rollar coaster but I'm letting go because holding on tore me apart way to much.
The past holds lessons to learn from, the present is full of new experiences, and the future is full of the unknown. All I know is that my future is going to be hitting the fast track after this year. It's a daunting thought but I think I'm ready for it. I need to grow up and get my priorities straight. As always, until next time.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
So many things were and still are running through my head. I finally was so split and conflicted with myself that I couldnt control anything. Love, hate, anger, depression. I had it all. Then were the memories. Each one as vivid as if I were experiencing it all over again. It had all been building for awhile. I should have seen in coming. The last 6 days have been so full of everything from confusion to fury and from love to hate. I can honestly say though that I feel better. Refreshed. Like all my emotions drained out more and more with each tear. Now it's nothing, for now at least. I imagine tomorrow I will be back to being frustrated and depressed and confused and all of the above. My only hope is that all this doesnt ruin prom night.
I suppose all of this could also be accounted towards my 5 or 6 hours of full sleep I've had in all over the last few days. The sad thing is sleep hasnt come because of the reason I cried and I'm still not tired. When I am I will force myself to stay away until I can hardly keep my head up then I will go to bed. So exhausted that I wont dream, because I know my dreams will show me exactly what I dont want to see. I was so hungry by the end of work but now I'm not. Everything is out of whack but I need to get over it.
So the next week is going to be rough. I plan to run hard and long just to push all these emotions down. I'm going to start working out so I look half decent for prom next Saturday. I want to have a fun time. I dont know how well all this is going to work. I'll put an entry in when I finally have something good or nice or at least slightly positive to say. You know you can text me anytime to talk. It would be a nice surprise. As always, until next time.
Monday, May 3, 2010
All day I've had flash backs of so many happy times that bring a little grin hardly noticeable. Just a depressing little grin. From MIT with friends 3 years ago or some of our best times. One Less Lonely Girl coming on your tv that morning before school. When I whispered I love you and gave you the teddy bear that I was going to end up burning. When I lifted your face to look you in the eyes and show I cared so much and the world could disappear as long as we had each other. Good memories. Good thoughts. Good feelings. Everything that was ever so bad hasnt meant anything because of these memories. These flitting flashbacks that last less than a second. Seeing a whole amazing day go by in my minds eye within seconds and having the small little moments come and go almost as if they werent their. Then they stop and realize just how much I should have appreciated all those moments more. Not taken them for granted because I will never have memories as good as those but I never did. I just kept going on with my day to day routine like it was all nothing.
So then it's the depression. The anger. Me sitting at my desk shaking from head to toe. Hyperventilating. Closing my eyes and trying to breath. Shoving my Ipod into my ears and blasting the music and trying to destroy all the bad with hard core metal screamo bands blasting into my ears making me more deaf by the day. Afterwords I dont care. Nothing matters. Everything is stupid, boring, and not worth a second of my time or thought.
I guess I dont know what to think. All I know is that I appreciate the small things. Just being outside, quiet, thinking. I've come to realize that one of my favorite sounds and most calming is the chirping of Wood frogs in the spring and summer. It had been forever since I'd heard them but just last week I opened my window to find a small pond acrossed from my house has a small population of wood frogs and they chirp all night. All I have to do is lay down and close my eyes and listen carefully and it's complete tranquility. I could almost tell you how many frogs live in the pond because I lay awake at night so late listening to the chirps and hearing the different tones and pitches. Then when I wake up in the morning hundreds of birds are chirping and flying around the house. I know I've written it before but I envy the birds so much. Their freedom. Hardly a care in the world. Just them and the sky. I would give everything just for a day with a pair of huge wings.
So in the end I guess I'm keeping this blog going because I dont want to disappear from some friends I cherish more than life itself. Lately I've had a desire to just start writing in notebooks. About everything. My whole day. When I finish a notebook just move on to the next one. The only thing is that I would not want anyone to read them and I think someone would find them. That and I want to keep this going so that you know I'm still alive. I'm praying, even begging to God every night that I might be able to go to the picnic because it would be the highlight of my year. Yet I have this apprehensive feeling that both my parents and God are going to just kick me in the balls again and watch me suffer some more. Either way I think I've learned to deal.
So much going on. So much to say. So many feelings. So many thoughts. I dont think I could ever write or type every piece of thought I have because they just keep coming and piling up and then they are lost only to be rekindled again someday when something or someone reminds me of them. I wish I could put it all down right now. Right here. On paper. Maybe then I would not only make sense to someone else but to myself. I'm thinking about writing again. Back to poems and maybe a story. That's only if I can find the time. This quarter I wanted to prove my parents wrong by getting all A's but that's already failing. Well I could rant all night about anything and everything but I have homework to do and it's 11:30 and I havent started anything at all. As always. Until next time
Friday, April 30, 2010
So I was just in the shower maybe 20 minutes ago thinking "God damnit I hate mornings..." then I realized I never really put a reason why so I thought about it and here is what I have. I dont know if you've ever seen any of those sci fi movies where the hero gets his brain downloaded with knowledge or say The Butterfly Effect when he comes back to the "now" and all the events flood his brain. Well mornings are like that to me except usually a lot less painful. My conscience flicks on, yeah flicks. Bam. Awake. Full awareness of everything in a matter of 2.2 micro seconds. Then all the memories flood back in. What happened that week, what happened the night before, and the dream I had that night. Now me having a pretty emotional rollar coaster life, I always end up getting flooded with all my problems because there is rarely ever something happy to think about. Granted I do have my good morning where I wake up and remember something good that happened or something good that will happen that day and I'm actually very energetic, but in 9 out of 10 cases I'm in a bad mood.
Take last night for instance. It was a sex dream. I'm a teenage guy, get over it, but that isnt the problem. The problem is that the girl I was with was one of my closest and most trusted friends (even though I have always had a little crush/interest in her but shhhhh) so I wake up shaking my head going woooow I'd never do that. One reason why I'm in a bad mood this morning. The next is that I remember I have to walk for a half hour to get to school for track practice. On the bright side I really could use a walk. Lets hope it isnt cold out and windy. Mom said it was supposed to be nice.
Oh well. I feel better and now you have an explanation, as do I. So I'm off to get ready for track. Well there is one more thing bugging me....But this problem I'd like to keep to myself because this has never really happened to me before and it kinda makes me happy, yet, it's a problem all in itself. So until next time.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
"Sorry my conscience called in sick again." I've been having a few dilemas lately as always. They never really show up unless I think about them, which is a good thing because my mind has been distracted by video games, friends, and up coming events. See the problem is that one of my friends just happens to be a very boy crazy girl. She has a different guy every week but in the end she has always always always been very attracted to me. Now she's a flirt in general but when she flirts with me it's completely different. She desperately tries to get my attention and does whatever it takes to get me to talk to her. Now I think of her just as a friend even though me being a teenage guy am attracted to her. This is where my hormones and brains come into clash fest. My brain tells me hanging out with her is a bad idea because stuff will most definitely probably happen which will be bad for the friendship, and then you have my hormones, along with every other teenage guy friend, telling me I should hang out with her and get whatever I can from. Of course my hormones tell me it's a good idea. My head tells me not to. It's a big mess and the biggest thing is that she wont admit that she likes me. Not even to her closest friends who have been honest with me ever since she started talking to me. Either way it's a big problem.
My next problem is still these feelings I dont know why I feel. My heart couldnt careless but my head keeps caring and then I get furious with myself for even starting to care. Basically to the point where I am shaking. In the end I just have to find something to take my mind off of everything. I find it so stupid that I'm still being so weak and doing something I know I should. Well mentally of course. I dont even want to get into what I've done physically that I shouldnt have these last couple days. It was a very stupid decision that I also got very mad at myself for but I still did it cos at the time I didnt care but when I realized the reprocutions I started to realize how stupid I was. Either way I havent been myself in many different ways and I'm afraid I'm going to start seeming very fake to all my friends because I am desperately trying to hold onto the me that I know and love. It would seem to be an uphill battle.
Next thing that bugs me are little crushes or attractions to girls. I wouldnt call it liking them because it really isnt me liking them. It's me going "She is really nice, fun to be around, a good person, and we have a good time together" which would spark any guys attention but then I realize just how little time I have and after that time is up I would never be able to sustain a good relationship while I am gone so I dont even go for it. It's to the point where I dont know why I act a certain way. This one girl for example. She had just done something and we gave each a double high five in the air and instead of pulling away we both kept our hands together and ended up holding hands. Then I walked away shaking my head wondering how and why that had happened. It just baffles me. Either way I'm set on being single. I really dont want a commitment. I really dont want another girl blowing up my phone 24/7. Some of my closest guy friends have girlfriends and it reminds me of how I was. The girl always squeeling and whining baaaabe when she cant get what she wants. Or him always on the phone texting or calling her. It's just so stupid. It's a waste of time. Sure it's great to keep in contact. To see each other but I really think it is possible for each of them to have a little bit of their own time. Or maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I dont value such an amazing human connection. Maybe I was just never meant to charish moments with someone. Maybe I'm just a loner. Either way that's the wait it will be. As always, until next time.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I want to care and I start to care but I lose it and just get angry at myself.
I want to believe you've changed and that you really are making your life better and doing what is right for you but after 4 months of seeing how you had chosen to be I dont.
I'm fine with everything, I'm happy I'm single. I'm glad I dont have a girl in my life just to tie me down and keep me from my dreams but I still feel like I'm alone in everything.
I'm going crazy on the inside but I find I'm still so sane.
I feel the limitations of my body and of my mind but every time I push the boundries of both the physical and mental the more I realize just how limited I am.
I have so many questions, so many feelings, and so many thoughts that just wont seem to be answered or resolved.
I'm just not meant to be with someone and I'm just meant to show people the path they really belong on, but in a way that I dont even realize.
I have so many worries of hurting someone else in my own selfish acts so I put my friends first and in the end make bigger mistakes by having the wrong friends.
I cant wait to get out of the house but I'm still so scared of the real world. Of have to fend for myself and work all for nothing than the next bill or the next meal.
It's like I can never get anything right...
Monday, April 26, 2010
Either way I dont really know where I was going with this entry and I've decided it's just going to be short. I'm to tired to go into some deep meaningful thoughts. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe...As always until next time
Thursday, April 22, 2010
As for my feelings about going for a half year, that is a good compromise for me and my friends but at the same time I dont think I'll be able to take 3 months or so of school. Then going for the whole year seems just plain stupid. If I cant stand it this year how will I make it through next year. Once my friends heard my options so many of them said they would miss me. One of my close friends said she'd be devistated if I didnt came back and that really hit me hard in my heart. At the same time my head is telling me to do what is best for me.
Next is how fast everything is coming. I need to decide what I want to do by June as far as graduation goes. Plus I need to start really sitting down and thinking about what I want to do after high school. I know military but I do not know what branch. With my ASVAB score of 90 out of 99 I can basically do whatever I want in the military no matter where I go. I could go into nuclear science. Be all crazy and then when I get out go into the secret service and just be plain kick ass. It is a very tempting thought because I would make bank but at the same time I dont know. I have my eyes on the Navy to travel...but I'm getting more and more turned onto the Marines. They're so kick ass and I want some daunting title. So I can be like "Yeah I was a Marine for 10 years" or something because it just sounds better than "I was in the Navy" So another thing I have to think about.
Plus, even though it's really stupid to say, I'm elligible for a new phone in June and I have no clue what I want! It's a stupid thing to be bugged about but it's just another choice, another thing to think about that's added onto my list.
Another thing that is bugging me is how everytime I need or am going to do work something to do with my parents ends up throwing off my night. Tonight I had to type a 15 page research essay rough draft due tomorrow but no, my mom had some jewelry party and no surprise all these women brought their annoying little elementary kids that dont understanding running around the house screaming and running through someone's room really isnt a good idea. Long story short I did not even do a cover page tonight. So now my stress level is so high and I cant even think about doing it now.
This brings me to the title of this entry. Pickers. Yeah I hate them. Definition of picker- Someone that picks or does little things to slowly drive someone insane. This includes but is not limited to actions, small hints, or starting arguments every minute you see them about a subject. I'm surrounded by pickers. My teachers, my parents, my boss, and even some of my friends. It drives a person insane. My mother picks about everything and anything and on top of that is every negative thought that anyone could come up about any subject I bring up. Her energy is just negative. She comes into the room and I'm instantly frustrated, angry, depressed, and just cant stand anything. Pickers. They suck and I hate them.
In the end I'm just in a really weird mood. I know this was all complaining and I dont blame you if you didnt even get through the first paragraph but I guess this is the only place I can unload. I've been thinking about stealing a notebook and keeping a journal/ writing book with me at all times just so I can maybe actually put something interesting up on here. Well I guess I'll attempt to go to bed again. Maybe try putting my Ipod in this time. As always, until next time.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
My music gets me ready for the school day. It pushes all my fears, thoughts, and emotions from dreams I have had the night before. It pushes all the stress from the school day down so when I get home I dont blow up in my mom's annoying whiny and demanding face but that's only on the bus. Because lately I've had track after school, track is another alternative. Something about being was really great people, and something about running a mile that picking up spears, disks, and heavy balls to throw as hard as I can helps me unwind. Oh and dont forget about me running and using a pole to jump over something that is 8 feet tall. Then I listen to music when I'm upset and have homework because it both pushes those emotions away and gets me set on one thing and one thing only and that is getting my homework done.
In the end it seems that music is what is keeping me sane on the outside and slowly driving me crazy. That added onto the little and very disturbed sleep I have and everyone in my life that just drives me closer and closer to the ultimate sin. Sometimes I wonder just how stable I really am. No one on the outside would ever realize but on the inside I scare myself sometimes. Violent massacres, suicide, rape, and arsony all twirl around in a vortex of darker and darker thoughts. They have yet to break through. The closest thing to a break through is my rage bringing a murder about and I highly doubt that will happen just because it only happens rarely. I dont know. Either way I guess I"m a really scary person but for some reason people arent intimidated. And I dont plan them to be until the exact moment that it's to late.
Now that I've scared you almost as much as I scare myself I'm going to bed. Only for tomorrow to be a repeat of my daily routine that has yet to surprise me. My life is boring. School is a waste of my time. It all just seems so close yet so far away. Until next time.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
It's really one emotion. It's many. You put on the surface a fake smile and friendly attitude, underneath is an undescribable depression that comes from things that have just been piling up and piling up, and the core is anger. Pure rage. Think of it as a volcano waiting to explode. This is an increasingly bad thing because in this lava is almost everyone's worst nightmares. Their most person secrets or stories or experiences that could be used against them. That the world could find out about in a New York minute.
At work the other night I was talking to a friend of mine. She's one of the few people that I dont fake a smile for. You have the honest me, and then you have the 100% completely absolutely honest me that doesnt give just part of the truth. When I'm around her or I'm talking to her I am the completely honest me. I was talking about how I wanted to get out of here. How next year I'm shipping off to boot camp and then I'm either being shipped to Iraq or I'm getting getting on a ship to travel the world. Not sure which one yet. It could be either of them at this point depending on how crazy I want to be.
The weird thing is that I have this feeling of something bigger. It's like there is something out there that no one has thought of, or felt, or even dreamed of. I could also blame this feeling to lack of sleep and deep depression that is making me have memory loss and social problems. Then I talk about all that and I realize how much of a problem my life is and how everyone must get so sick and tired of hearing it. I know I get pissed when someone just wont let go for half a second and look on the bright side.
Either way there isnt really anything good to right about. Maybe in my sleep I'll have a dream tha twill inspire me. Or maybe I just wont write until I have something good to say. I'm going to try and get some sleep though. As always, until next time.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I bring this all up because this short encounter brought a flood of emotions and thoughts and memories. The boy reminded me of myself in my young days. I loved nature, animals, bugs, anything that had to do with the outside. My mom bought me a different type of nature book every week. From trees and flowers to reptiles, amphibians, birds, and mammals. I was so engulfed by it and loved reading about everything in God's creation. Then the happy couple brought that feeling of envy that I get everytime I see a happy couple. I smiled to myself thinking how much I wanted something like that but how I always seem to let the people closest to me go. How I can never seem to hold on to that pure bliss of being with someone I cant get enough of. Then it brought me to the thought of how my parents have seemed to never really get along. I think we hardly ever did anything as family and whenever it was a family event how much everyone always fought or how us kids would do something to get Dad yelling. This just makes it seem like my parents are together just because they had me. Just because Mom got pregnant with me 4 months before their marriage. It's just such a deep feeling that I've been having with a lot of things lately. A feeling that no one ever made a word for and can hardly be described in words. I dont think I could write how it feels but maybe talking about it the right words may fall into place.
The next point I wanted to make is my perception of time. Lately my memory has been with time. Time down to the minute. Another thing that has really been getting to me is that it seems like everyday I always check the time at 9:11 both am and pm. Everyday. Without fail. It's just such an awful day in American history and here I am opening my phone, twice a day, right on 9:11. It's things like these along with my dreams that really freak me out. It feels good to be writing again. Sure I write in school, but god knows I could never write exactly what I feel most of the time without them suggesting a therapist and some prescription drugs. Well as always when I write, it is late. I am tired. My plan was to get a bunch of things done but as always I find myself finding some way to spend my time in a way that I find meaning in rather than pointless school. That is a different subject for later discussion though. As aways, until next time.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
It was approximately 2:50 in the afternoon after school. I had just gotten off the bus, just like everyday, and found that it was raining again. As I walked the 100 or so feet to the bottom of my driveway from the bus stop, I let out a heavy sigh. Today was the first warm rain that had fallen that spring and it was refreshing. I took a big whiff of the fresh spring air and let out another sigh and immediately thought that this was pure bliss. The rain was not so heavy in the amount of rain drops, but rather that the rain drops made of for the lack of number in the volume of each rain drop. It was not pouring, but certainly not a drizzle. These large rain drops could be felt on the hood of my red American Eagle hoodie, could be seen splashing off of my arms and off the ground around me, and the sound of each drop reverberating around me in the soaked road to my left. One of my strange habits when it is raining it to look straight up into the sky, and I have not given this extensive thought more for the reason that I do not want to ruin the amazing feeling this brings. As I looked up to the heavens and the rain drops splashed my face, I realized just how content I was. In that moment every strand of stress, every negative thought and all the build up from a superficial society seemed to wash out of me just as easily as the rain was washing the dirt off the road. This less than two minute walk, from the bus stop to the entrance to my house, seemed like the longest, yet most wonderful walk of my life and will be replaced only by an even better refreshing summer rain. This feeling however ended abruptly when I stepped into my house and back into the maelstrom of stress and emotions that come with every teenager’s life, no less to the thanks of my overreacting mother.
Until next time.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Tonight has been a hard night. I feel like I keep telling someone that already knows my side of the story exactly what they already know. It's so frustrating and it just gets my mind turning again which I hate more than anything. I realizing this post isnt going to go anywhere because I feel like a broken record. It's harder and harder to post my thoughts because I've been trying to guard my thoughts most carefully. Needless to say I'm way over flustered. I just dont know anything anymore. Walking through life on auto pilot. I'm going to bed though. Maybe I'll have something long to post later on this week. As always. Until next time.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Moving on the what I've done since I last posted. Well today was my first time ever donating blood to the Red Cross. It wasnt an extremely great experience but I'm glad I did it because I feel like I helped someone in need. Later on this week I'm going to take the ASVAPS or whatever it is to see about my military opportunities. Kinda nervous because I want to do good on my first try to see exactly what they will let me do. Midterms come out tomorrow and I'm looking at two big fat F's I couldnt stop from slipping through. My dad is going to kill me unles I killm yself before hand so Idk if I'll even make it.
Still girls desperately throwing themselves at me like I'm the perfect boy friend and blah blah blahh. That or they just want to get laid. Tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother reminded me of what I'm going through right now. Mourning periods. How after getting out of a relationship there is this time you just dont want to do anything to hurt each other even more than you've already been hurt. Even then I dont think I'm getting out of this Mourning Period anytime soon. I cant be a player or an assshole like these other guys that run around like they own the place.
Still it always seems the nice guy always finishes last. Oh well I'll deal. As always until next time
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I feel so predictable. So boring. So mediocre. Extra ordinary. Yet there is no room for change, but I guess I'm afraid of change. In less than a year and a half I will be going away to a college somewhere on the other side of the US that is in a warm climate while I serve in the armed forces of some kind. I then dont intend to return back to New England for at least 2 years if not all 4 years of college. After that is a mystery but I will figure it out.
As for the present I am stressed to the max as always. Mid term report cards are sent out next week and I'm afraid my grades will not be that great. Along with some major confusion about girls that I always have. I think the better way to words it is confusion of myself about a girl. Despite all that I find myself sitting up late at night listening to songs about love and happiness and the guy being happy with a girl. It's something that has never laste for me.
What really annoys me are girls that throw themselves at guys. Just completely flirty and giggly. Even some of them straight up saying they want to have sex with me. It's so unattractive. I've been single for almost 3 weeks and girls are just piling up like vultures. I'm just not dead yet. Oh well. People dont change. Love remains the same. As always, until next time.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
The next subject I've been thinking about is school. Even though I dont act it, I am stressed to the max. Right now I'm failing everything and this is due to me having to house sit the week before vacation. If it was just me and my siblings we would have been fine, but instead my parents insisted on making my dad's mother stay with us. She's this huge fat ass christian woman who thinks the world owes her something because she's old. Well she comes into this house and takes over. She runs it the way she would run her house. Basically screwing everything up. Because she is so fat she cracked the toilet seat when she was going to the bathroom and had me call my grandfather so he could replace it. So basically everyday was something new. My sister coming to me practically crying because her shirts shrunk because our grandmother dried them, so now she has nothing to wear. So I couldnt have a single thought of homework because I was worrying about what else this woman was screwing up.
On top of all this my English class has a hard core teacher. She could take the writing of Charles Dickens and shred the writing into pieces. So I'm failing that class because English just isnt my strong point. Never has. Math I usually have an A in that class but I didnt do any homework that week and so she wont be excepting any work this week. Biology I still have to turn in a project. History instead of writing this I should be typing a two page essay along with a mini project that I havent done yet. Mean while I've had all this drama that I've finally shed, but I still have work which the manager feels I've been lacking in for a long time.
Even though all this stuff is completely wrong, I am amazing right now. I cant decide if it's the massive ammounts of caffeine in my system or if it's because I've finally shed my skin and grown up. Just moved onto the next state of mind to becoming a independent citizen of this shit hole country. Either way I dont think I care that much for the reason. I know it'll end and I'll be back into another slump as always. My life is always so uncertain because I think to much. Right now I'm just here for the ride. I return to school tomorrow and I couldnt be more excited to see people I havent seen all this last week, yet at the same time I just wish summer was here. I think the next step on my things to do list is to get summer romance. I've just realized I've never had one and I'll have my license this summer which will make it easier. Still doubt I'll find the girl of my dreams but I a summer romance wouldnt hurt. I miss camp, I miss old friends, and I miss the time when nothing mattered. The pure bliss of naivity. I still find myself envying the birds. What I've give to fly away from here. As always, until next time.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
So I'm slowing changing things. Trying new things. Talking to people I would never talk to. Starting to date girls I would never date. Maybe it'll make me feel like I've made something out of my teen years. Even though I know I'm going to hold a grudge against my parents for a long time. They held me back from so much. The good and the bad. I'm tempted to shut off my phone, my laptop, everything and just relax this week. At the same time it's going to be my only time to do anything for awhile so I want to take that opportunity.
It's a hard life and I hardly see it getting easier. I cant imagine it getting much harder though. I've been through a lot. As much of an emotional wreck I am, I'm strong. New walls are in order. I'll be ok just as long as I know what needs to be done. As always, until next time.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I think the first time I ever felt so depressed was after I broke up with a long distance girlfriend. I still liked her, and she meant the world to me at the time, but I hadnt seen her in a few weeks and my home life wasnt that great. I felt I had a lot of problems and I didnt want to bring her down with me and I was sorry it came to that. This also seems a little late. I was feeling the early stages of depression before that. My parents have always been controling of my life and ever since middle school I wanted to go to public school. All my friends went to public school and I felt like I was missing out. Yet my parents kept me in a bubble. Pretty much still do really. They control or try to control almost every aspect of my life and it really just makes me want to break away but makes me depressed that I cant do much breaking away at the moment.
Either way depression is a scary thing. I've had times where I wanted to be dead. I contemplated suicide almost everyday. How would I do it? What would I write in my letter? Should I even have a letter? I never really went farther than thinking about doing it and thinking how everyone would act if I did it. This isnt even the scary depression though. The scariest depression is the kind that I'm going through right now.
Now I can honestly say I'm not afraid of hardly anything. Any living creature can walk up to me and I'd figure a way around me. I'm not afraid of the dark, I except it. Death doesnt scare me at all, maybe that's because life seems so much more complicated than just dying. The thing that does scare me is when I'm so depressed that everything is going wrong, that I am so depressed, it is to the point where you cant fake a smile. Everyone can see how you're feeling and how you are dead inside. Then they start to look at you with the largest ammount of concern and just that hint, that glitter of fear in their eyes. This is all because they are afraid you're going to kill yourself or snap and kill someone else. This depression is so engulfing. The world is black and white, nothing matters, nothing has significance, I can just barely get the motivation to walk instead of just falling to my knees and screaming. This depression makes you feel helpless. Not scared, or sad, or mad. It makes you feel empty. It creates an engulfing shell.
Yet I have a strong desire to not go to a phychiatrist. This is because I just feel like I hardly have a reason to feel this way but I still do. I dont want meds because once you're on them it's hard to quite because of hormonal instability. So this depression gives me insomnia. Not because of what on my mind, but what my dreams are going to show me. Whether it's that girl I couldnt have but still held onto and hurt her in the end. Or me killing myself in the most possible way possible. A dream where everyone walks past me crying and shaking and screaming without even looking at me or caring. So I dont sleep. Another thing I cant take. Sleeping meds. I know people who's insomnia grew 100 times worse after trying to quite their meds. I dont want to be like that. I dont need a human created mind wiping drug to make me feel better.
Really this entry could go on and on. The words are flowing and it's bringing me from subject to subject but I am tired. I need sleep. Even though I know as soon as my laptop is off and the lights have been turned off, all my fears will come back to me and I wont be able to sleep yet again. At least I can say I'm trying. Sometimes trying is just not enought. Good night and until next time. As always.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
So why is it that just last week if I went with 4 hours of sleep I was tired, but just last night I only got 2 hours of sleep and got right up and ready for the day? Maybe it's because last week I kept myself up so late afraid to sleep for what I'd see in dreams and nightmares that always come but last night I just non-chalantly went to bed when it seemed fit. I guess I'm just finally succumbing to all these things that have driving me mad, or maybe I'm finally opening my eyes and becoming sane. Maybe this is growing up? I guess we'll find out.
The world is a strange place but surprisingly nothing to be scared of. Some barriers will never be broken and some walls have to fall. I say bring it all on cos I'm getting stronger...or is it more numb? every day. Until next time.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Smoking. Smoking is one of those things I feel is like drinking. It is great in moderation but way to many people abuse it and give it a bad name. Now I honestly have a cigarette or two with a friend every couple months at the most. I smoke because it calms me down and gets me in a good mood. Nicotine does amazing things to me. Now I am smart enough to know I will get addicted so I am going to prevent that by not smoking everyday of my life like people who abuse it. Most people think it's gross but me personally I find I like it. Native Americans, when they had a meeting they passed a pipe around. This got everyone ready for a preductive tribal meeting. Course they didnt have addictives in them so it was better. See that's why when I get a chance I'm going for all natural and seeing how I like it. Even deeper, however, is the addictiveness. The first time I smoked, I had one cigarette with a friend. The next day I surprised myself by finding I wanted to smoke again. It wasnt a sweating balls sensation of needing a cigarette. It was just a want. This interested me and swiftly concluded I wanted it 1.) because of the addictiveness and 2.) because it made me feel like a million bucks afterwords. It's one of those things I probably will never do alone, and will do in moderation so that when I'm in a slump it's a pick me up.
Fighting. This isnt the man to man, busting each others brains out fighting. This is fighting verbally. Fighting is on my mind because, even though I am single now, I still fight with my ex. God I know it's been 2 days since we broke up but we still find ourselves fighting. Fighting about what happened, what went wrong, who was in the wrong. All this the most pointless fighting ever because we are over and it doesnt matter. It makes me wonder if we were always fighting because we werent meant to be or if it is because we frankly just like each other so much that the littlest thing that is wrong just promotes a fight that hopefully will make us understand each other better. Yet after a fight, as much as I feel like crap for fighting, I feel better. It seems neither of us can explain what is on our minds unless we are pissed at each other and in the end we come out knowing what's on each others minds. It's one of those things that will probably never be solved but just wont escape my mind until the fighting escapes my daily routine.
My story. Well I was gladly inspired by my most missed friends Brianna, when she wrote a Valentines Day vampire story. This sprung many ideas into my head about me writing it in a male's point of view. It's been swimming in my head for some time now and still has yet to get even a paragraph onto paper, but here is a little sneak peak to what it will hopefully will be after I write it and Brianna edits it!
The city was so cold. Every breath was a puff of mist that soon disappeared. This biting cold did not take away from the cities beauty. Skyscrapers were lit up, cars were zooming all about, and couple were walking and laughing holding hands despite the late midnight hour. It was Valentines Day, and like the 613 some odd other Valentines Days I had endured, I was still looking for that one special girl that would steal my nonexistent heart. I crouched on top of a stereotypical "scary" gargoyle that was made to protect from evil spirits that are very much like myself. Not a single person caught my pitch black, piercing eyes. I guess I would have to cram into a club looking for the girl I'd spotted just a few days ago.
I walked confidently right up to the bouncer at the local club. He looked me up and down, getting that sense of just how dangerous I could be, but despite that he asked for my ID. I gave him my fake ID and he motioned me through. I stepped into a dark, fog filled room with strobing lights and people of all types dancing and having a good time. I scanned the room quickly and finally saw her, sitting in a corner sipping on a bloody mary. Tonight would be a good night....
So this was all just pulled right up onto here from my head, to my fingers, to my blog. I'm sure there are a lot of incorrect things, but it is late and I hardly know what I'm typing anymore. I think I will go to bed. Let me know what you think and we'll see about actually getting this short story going and hopefully finished! As always, until next time.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
With Valentines nearly here it's really opening my eyes to the different types of girls. You have the girls that are happy with their boyfriends and that boy could get them a rock for Valentines Day and they would cherish it for life. You have girls that do not mind getting anything and are very happy when they get something nice. Sadly, you have my girlfriend too. Where you want something big and grand and great and exactly what you want. Currently the sophomores at my school are selling these carnations that are yellow, pink, and red. Of course of the advertisement posters they have what each color means. Yellow-Friendship. Pink-Admiration. Red- nothing other then L-O-V-E love. So what's the first thing out of her mouth? "I want one!!! You had better get me a red one!" of course me already being frustrated with most things coming out of her simply reply "No I'm getting you a yellow one." and she squeals "You had better not! I would be sooo upset! I would probably cry!" Shouldn't a girl be happy if her boyfriend gets her a flower no matter what the color is? Or maybe I am just crazy.
Valentines Day is the day all the girls go crazy about spending time with their current love and get presents. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. The sad part is the exception is very small. Valentines Day is when all guys with a girlfriend go "Ugggh. More money spent that will probably just end up in a break up." but we still end up going out and buying something we think our girl would like. Men really aren't the big power of the world.
Mean while during all this frustrating V-day crap I have to worry about my grades and other responsibilities on top of me worrying about her grades. It's my weakness. I care to much. If she doesnt pass with an A these next two quarters she will fail her math class for the year. This really disgusts me because I know I'm better than that. I know I deserve a girl that can do better than that. Even the math teacher sees that. Mr. Chase. He is a young man. Probably late twenties. We always talk about guy stuff and life. Well he keeps me updated on how she's doing in class. He has even asked why I keep going back to her and why I dont date someone that is nice, smart, and hard working. I still couldnt answer him though. So that is another thing that's been on my mind. "Why am I with her?" she senses my doubt and needs reasuring almost every waking hour of the day. My whole body acts like I want to be with her. It's only skin deep though. Underneath it all my turning and churning with this ever present problem.
I wish for once there could be more answers than questions. Why do I have to be so complicated? Sometimes I have this desire to just walk into the deep woods of the north with nothing but what I can carry and live a simple secluded life. I envy the stars for their brightness and freedom. I envy the birds who can fly to wherever their hearts desire. I envy even the beggar who has one thing on his mind at once and that's how he's going to make it through that day.
Oh well. Somethings just never change and that includes people. Until next time.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Lately love has been on my mind. Mainly because my girlfriend has continuelly been trying to force the phrase upon me despite my continuous asking her not to. This has caused me to ask what love is. To me love is something that I have never felt. Sure I have really liked someone but I have never thought of it as love. Maybe because love has always been defined as something nothing like anything you will feel. I like to tell myself that love is just another emotion as common as anger or sadness. Needless to say I still find myself running from love. Running from saying it. Maybe it's my family issues. Maybe it's because I experienced the loss of loved pets when I was young. Maybe no one knows. Love is just something that has yet to strike me. All that I know is that love will hurt so much more than liking someone. It's the human conflict. No matter how perfect of a couple two people are, there is always something awful about their relationship. This is because two humans will never fully understand each other.
This brings me to the next subject that's been on my mind. How relationships work.
See me and my girlfriend have been the typical on again off again relationship. We hate to like each other. We fight about something at least once a week. Usually over who is flirting with who and honesty issues. Yet I keep going back to her. I have always been the one to break up with her. The weird thing is that if she left me for good I wouldnt care. I just cant leave her. I went into this relationship thinking "Hey. She sleeps around with guys. She'll probably use me and dump me or cheat on me and it'll be over. I dont expect anything out of this." yet here we are 2 monthes later which will be my second longest relationship so far. Yet every relationship I go into expecting love and happieness it is never fulfilled.
All in all there is always something of great issue on my mind. I am not completely sure what willl come up here next. I hope you at least enjoyed this. There is still only one person reading this and I <3 her very much :) Until next time
Sunday, February 7, 2010