Thursday, May 6, 2010

Wow That Was Quick...

Just wanted to start of by saying "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" because I'm a horny immature teenage guy and couldnt help it.

Anyways, yeah. Good news already. First of all I wanted to say that I cleared the 8 foot mark with 6 inches to spare on Pole Vault today. I was very proud of myself because that was the first time I've ever cleared 8 feet. So that ended track on a very high note and I was very happy. So I have very high hopes for the meet on Saturday that happens to be in Berlin which means me getting to school at 6:45 in the morning to get on at bus that leaves at 7. It's going to be a long day. So this made me feel very accomplished and good.

Second thing, of course is a girl but that's ok cos it's not going anywhere, it just boosted my self confidence. So there has been this girl that I've been attracted to from afar ever since I became a schoolie last year. I've never talked to her, and I didnt think she had ever noticed me in her life. Well apparently at Winter Carnival this year she did happen to notice me. She was with a good friend of mine and we didnt talk, I dont even think we made eye contact but apparently she was checking me out all night while I was doing the same and we never noticed. Well today someone told me I should ask her to prom because she doesnt have a date and then I asked around and found out she was interested in me and I amazed! But sadly quickly angered because I have already said yes to going to prom with another girl. That isnt the point though. I dont really know her but just from seeing her and talking to other people she is a total sweetheart the only downside is that she has a kid. She is only 18, it was a high school mistake of some sort. I dont really know the story.

So in the end I'm feeling pretty good. Prom will be fun. I'm doing good in pole vault finally after sucking. I will hopefully become good friends with this girl and maybe it will go somewhere or maybe I will realize I dont like her. We will see on that part. My only fear is that if anything were to go between us as far as a relationship goes and my mom...or my dad for that matter find out she has a kid then I think they would probably rip my head off. I sometimes hate how judgemental they can be. Whether it's just because they dont like how someone looks, talks, or if they dont like their parents, or anything else for that matter! Just because of this stuff doesnt mean someone isnt an amazing person. Either way I'm feeling better. Still a little bit of a rollar coaster but I'm letting go because holding on tore me apart way to much.

The past holds lessons to learn from, the present is full of new experiences, and the future is full of the unknown. All I know is that my future is going to be hitting the fast track after this year. It's a daunting thought but I think I'm ready for it. I need to grow up and get my priorities straight. As always, until next time.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010


I'm really getting sick of these depressing entries and I feel like you are too. So this is the last one I'm posting until I have something nice and positive and radiant to say. As for the title, yeah. I cried for the first time in a very long time tonight. The last time I cried was probably something like 3 or more years ago. I cant even remember the last time I cried. It was a soby sniffly cry. It was just tears. I was sitting on the computer drowning in so many emotions and thoughts and I couldnt take it anymore. The tears swelled and dripped down my face, soaking my lap. I dont really know why I cried. I've been through worse, I've felt worse but this time it just happened.

So many things were and still are running through my head. I finally was so split and conflicted with myself that I couldnt control anything. Love, hate, anger, depression. I had it all. Then were the memories. Each one as vivid as if I were experiencing it all over again. It had all been building for awhile. I should have seen in coming. The last 6 days have been so full of everything from confusion to fury and from love to hate. I can honestly say though that I feel better. Refreshed. Like all my emotions drained out more and more with each tear. Now it's nothing, for now at least. I imagine tomorrow I will be back to being frustrated and depressed and confused and all of the above. My only hope is that all this doesnt ruin prom night.

I suppose all of this could also be accounted towards my 5 or 6 hours of full sleep I've had in all over the last few days. The sad thing is sleep hasnt come because of the reason I cried and I'm still not tired. When I am I will force myself to stay away until I can hardly keep my head up then I will go to bed. So exhausted that I wont dream, because I know my dreams will show me exactly what I dont want to see. I was so hungry by the end of work but now I'm not. Everything is out of whack but I need to get over it.

So the next week is going to be rough. I plan to run hard and long just to push all these emotions down. I'm going to start working out so I look half decent for prom next Saturday. I want to have a fun time. I dont know how well all this is going to work. I'll put an entry in when I finally have something good or nice or at least slightly positive to say. You know you can text me anytime to talk. It would be a nice surprise. As always, until next time.


Monday, May 3, 2010

If Home is Where the Heart Is...

Then my home is with you. To bad my home has been crumbling since the start. It's really an awful feeling. Wanting something so bad but knowing what you really need to do. It feels like your mind has been split in two and you dont know how to feel or how to act, or talk, or function at all. Stay Together for the Kids by Blink 182. It reminds me of so much. Whether it's you and I, my parents, friends, so much. It's going to be a rough couple weeks but I need to grow up and realize it's the best for you and it's the best for me.

All day I've had flash backs of so many happy times that bring a little grin hardly noticeable. Just a depressing little grin. From MIT with friends 3 years ago or some of our best times. One Less Lonely Girl coming on your tv that morning before school. When I whispered I love you and gave you the teddy bear that I was going to end up burning. When I lifted your face to look you in the eyes and show I cared so much and the world could disappear as long as we had each other. Good memories. Good thoughts. Good feelings. Everything that was ever so bad hasnt meant anything because of these memories. These flitting flashbacks that last less than a second. Seeing a whole amazing day go by in my minds eye within seconds and having the small little moments come and go almost as if they werent their. Then they stop and realize just how much I should have appreciated all those moments more. Not taken them for granted because I will never have memories as good as those but I never did. I just kept going on with my day to day routine like it was all nothing.

So then it's the depression. The anger. Me sitting at my desk shaking from head to toe. Hyperventilating. Closing my eyes and trying to breath. Shoving my Ipod into my ears and blasting the music and trying to destroy all the bad with hard core metal screamo bands blasting into my ears making me more deaf by the day. Afterwords I dont care. Nothing matters. Everything is stupid, boring, and not worth a second of my time or thought.

I guess I dont know what to think. All I know is that I appreciate the small things. Just being outside, quiet, thinking. I've come to realize that one of my favorite sounds and most calming is the chirping of Wood frogs in the spring and summer. It had been forever since I'd heard them but just last week I opened my window to find a small pond acrossed from my house has a small population of wood frogs and they chirp all night. All I have to do is lay down and close my eyes and listen carefully and it's complete tranquility. I could almost tell you how many frogs live in the pond because I lay awake at night so late listening to the chirps and hearing the different tones and pitches. Then when I wake up in the morning hundreds of birds are chirping and flying around the house. I know I've written it before but I envy the birds so much. Their freedom. Hardly a care in the world. Just them and the sky. I would give everything just for a day with a pair of huge wings.

So in the end I guess I'm keeping this blog going because I dont want to disappear from some friends I cherish more than life itself. Lately I've had a desire to just start writing in notebooks. About everything. My whole day. When I finish a notebook just move on to the next one. The only thing is that I would not want anyone to read them and I think someone would find them. That and I want to keep this going so that you know I'm still alive. I'm praying, even begging to God every night that I might be able to go to the picnic because it would be the highlight of my year. Yet I have this apprehensive feeling that both my parents and God are going to just kick me in the balls again and watch me suffer some more. Either way I think I've learned to deal.

So much going on. So much to say. So many feelings. So many thoughts. I dont think I could ever write or type every piece of thought I have because they just keep coming and piling up and then they are lost only to be rekindled again someday when something or someone reminds me of them. I wish I could put it all down right now. Right here. On paper. Maybe then I would not only make sense to someone else but to myself. I'm thinking about writing again. Back to poems and maybe a story. That's only if I can find the time. This quarter I wanted to prove my parents wrong by getting all A's but that's already failing. Well I could rant all night about anything and everything but I have homework to do and it's 11:30 and I havent started anything at all. As always. Until next time


Friday, April 30, 2010

I Hate Mornings...

So this is the first time I've ever written on here anytime before late afternoon to in dead middle of the night. I'm writing because I have a half hour before I need to start walking to go to track practice and this thought is still fresh in my head.

So I was just in the shower maybe 20 minutes ago thinking "God damnit I hate mornings..." then I realized I never really put a reason why so I thought about it and here is what I have. I dont know if you've ever seen any of those sci fi movies where the hero gets his brain downloaded with knowledge or say The Butterfly Effect when he comes back to the "now" and all the events flood his brain. Well mornings are like that to me except usually a lot less painful. My conscience flicks on, yeah flicks. Bam. Awake. Full awareness of everything in a matter of 2.2 micro seconds. Then all the memories flood back in. What happened that week, what happened the night before, and the dream I had that night. Now me having a pretty emotional rollar coaster life, I always end up getting flooded with all my problems because there is rarely ever something happy to think about. Granted I do have my good morning where I wake up and remember something good that happened or something good that will happen that day and I'm actually very energetic, but in 9 out of 10 cases I'm in a bad mood.

Take last night for instance. It was a sex dream. I'm a teenage guy, get over it, but that isnt the problem. The problem is that the girl I was with was one of my closest and most trusted friends (even though I have always had a little crush/interest in her but shhhhh) so I wake up shaking my head going woooow I'd never do that. One reason why I'm in a bad mood this morning. The next is that I remember I have to walk for a half hour to get to school for track practice. On the bright side I really could use a walk. Lets hope it isnt cold out and windy. Mom said it was supposed to be nice.

Oh well. I feel better and now you have an explanation, as do I. So I'm off to get ready for track. Well there is one more thing bugging me....But this problem I'd like to keep to myself because this has never really happened to me before and it kinda makes me happy, yet, it's a problem all in itself. So until next time.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

"Sorry my conscience called in sick again..."

Fall Out Boy. I still cant believe how many of their songs I can relate to and how many of their songs I really like. They're a great band...were a great band. I'm not to much of a fan of their new stuff. But on to my topic.

"Sorry my conscience called in sick again." I've been having a few dilemas lately as always. They never really show up unless I think about them, which is a good thing because my mind has been distracted by video games, friends, and up coming events. See the problem is that one of my friends just happens to be a very boy crazy girl. She has a different guy every week but in the end she has always always always been very attracted to me. Now she's a flirt in general but when she flirts with me it's completely different. She desperately tries to get my attention and does whatever it takes to get me to talk to her. Now I think of her just as a friend even though me being a teenage guy am attracted to her. This is where my hormones and brains come into clash fest. My brain tells me hanging out with her is a bad idea because stuff will most definitely probably happen which will be bad for the friendship, and then you have my hormones, along with every other teenage guy friend, telling me I should hang out with her and get whatever I can from. Of course my hormones tell me it's a good idea. My head tells me not to. It's a big mess and the biggest thing is that she wont admit that she likes me. Not even to her closest friends who have been honest with me ever since she started talking to me. Either way it's a big problem.

My next problem is still these feelings I dont know why I feel. My heart couldnt careless but my head keeps caring and then I get furious with myself for even starting to care. Basically to the point where I am shaking. In the end I just have to find something to take my mind off of everything. I find it so stupid that I'm still being so weak and doing something I know I should. Well mentally of course. I dont even want to get into what I've done physically that I shouldnt have these last couple days. It was a very stupid decision that I also got very mad at myself for but I still did it cos at the time I didnt care but when I realized the reprocutions I started to realize how stupid I was. Either way I havent been myself in many different ways and I'm afraid I'm going to start seeming very fake to all my friends because I am desperately trying to hold onto the me that I know and love. It would seem to be an uphill battle.

Next thing that bugs me are little crushes or attractions to girls. I wouldnt call it liking them because it really isnt me liking them. It's me going "She is really nice, fun to be around, a good person, and we have a good time together" which would spark any guys attention but then I realize just how little time I have and after that time is up I would never be able to sustain a good relationship while I am gone so I dont even go for it. It's to the point where I dont know why I act a certain way. This one girl for example. She had just done something and we gave each a double high five in the air and instead of pulling away we both kept our hands together and ended up holding hands. Then I walked away shaking my head wondering how and why that had happened. It just baffles me. Either way I'm set on being single. I really dont want a commitment. I really dont want another girl blowing up my phone 24/7. Some of my closest guy friends have girlfriends and it reminds me of how I was. The girl always squeeling and whining baaaabe when she cant get what she wants. Or him always on the phone texting or calling her. It's just so stupid. It's a waste of time. Sure it's great to keep in contact. To see each other but I really think it is possible for each of them to have a little bit of their own time. Or maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I dont value such an amazing human connection. Maybe I was just never meant to charish moments with someone. Maybe I'm just a loner. Either way that's the wait it will be. As always, until next time.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

It's Like....

In my heart I've let you go to the wind but in my head I still dont know what to think.

I want to care and I start to care but I lose it and just get angry at myself.

I want to believe you've changed and that you really are making your life better and doing what is right for you but after 4 months of seeing how you had chosen to be I dont.

I'm fine with everything, I'm happy I'm single. I'm glad I dont have a girl in my life just to tie me down and keep me from my dreams but I still feel like I'm alone in everything.

I'm going crazy on the inside but I find I'm still so sane.

I feel the limitations of my body and of my mind but every time I push the boundries of both the physical and mental the more I realize just how limited I am.

I have so many questions, so many feelings, and so many thoughts that just wont seem to be answered or resolved.

I'm just not meant to be with someone and I'm just meant to show people the path they really belong on, but in a way that I dont even realize.

I have so many worries of hurting someone else in my own selfish acts so I put my friends first and in the end make bigger mistakes by having the wrong friends.

I cant wait to get out of the house but I'm still so scared of the real world. Of have to fend for myself and work all for nothing than the next bill or the next meal.

It's like I can never get anything right...


Monday, April 26, 2010


Yeah. Lately. Lately I've been having these feeling that I dont know why I feel or even really waht to call the feeling. I cant even describe it...typing at least. My talking about it I could describe it minimally but it's not a feeling anyone could get unless they felt it. On top of that I dont feel myself at all. The last couple days have been really fun but I havent exactly been a good boy. It's just made me feel so out of it and I dont even seem to know myself anymore...or at least right now.

Either way I dont really know where I was going with this entry and I've decided it's just going to be short. I'm to tired to go into some deep meaningful thoughts. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe...As always until next time


Thursday, April 22, 2010


I have so much to write about and so much on my mind. So many choices are coming my way so fast and it's getting really crazy. I feel like I'm running out of time. First and most major thing on my mind is that I have the oppertunity to graduate early next year. There are 3 options. Since I only need 2 classes I dont even have to go back next year. I could take the classes at a local college and transfer the credits. I would still be "A part" of the school but I wouldnt have actually attend. Second option is signing up for 5 classes that are semester courses and then leave in January. The third option is not play with my schedule, take 7 classes and stay the whole year. Now part of me wants to not even come back. I'm done with high school. Done with the building, done with the people, and done with being so damn bored. Then I realize I would miss my friends. Now graduation is no longer important for me. I dont care if I dont walk and dont have the gown and the hat and blah blah blah. I think this is because a very close friend I've had since 6th grade will be moving to Florida this summer and she is the only person I would ever want to share such a special event with. Prom is another thing that just doesnt strike me as important. Maybe if I was madly in love with a high school sweetheart or something but even then not to crazy about it.

As for my feelings about going for a half year, that is a good compromise for me and my friends but at the same time I dont think I'll be able to take 3 months or so of school. Then going for the whole year seems just plain stupid. If I cant stand it this year how will I make it through next year. Once my friends heard my options so many of them said they would miss me. One of my close friends said she'd be devistated if I didnt came back and that really hit me hard in my heart. At the same time my head is telling me to do what is best for me.

Next is how fast everything is coming. I need to decide what I want to do by June as far as graduation goes. Plus I need to start really sitting down and thinking about what I want to do after high school. I know military but I do not know what branch. With my ASVAB score of 90 out of 99 I can basically do whatever I want in the military no matter where I go. I could go into nuclear science. Be all crazy and then when I get out go into the secret service and just be plain kick ass. It is a very tempting thought because I would make bank but at the same time I dont know. I have my eyes on the Navy to travel...but I'm getting more and more turned onto the Marines. They're so kick ass and I want some daunting title. So I can be like "Yeah I was a Marine for 10 years" or something because it just sounds better than "I was in the Navy" So another thing I have to think about.

Plus, even though it's really stupid to say, I'm elligible for a new phone in June and I have no clue what I want! It's a stupid thing to be bugged about but it's just another choice, another thing to think about that's added onto my list.

Another thing that is bugging me is how everytime I need or am going to do work something to do with my parents ends up throwing off my night. Tonight I had to type a 15 page research essay rough draft due tomorrow but no, my mom had some jewelry party and no surprise all these women brought their annoying little elementary kids that dont understanding running around the house screaming and running through someone's room really isnt a good idea. Long story short I did not even do a cover page tonight. So now my stress level is so high and I cant even think about doing it now.

This brings me to the title of this entry. Pickers. Yeah I hate them. Definition of picker- Someone that picks or does little things to slowly drive someone insane. This includes but is not limited to actions, small hints, or starting arguments every minute you see them about a subject. I'm surrounded by pickers. My teachers, my parents, my boss, and even some of my friends. It drives a person insane. My mother picks about everything and anything and on top of that is every negative thought that anyone could come up about any subject I bring up. Her energy is just negative. She comes into the room and I'm instantly frustrated, angry, depressed, and just cant stand anything. Pickers. They suck and I hate them.

In the end I'm just in a really weird mood. I know this was all complaining and I dont blame you if you didnt even get through the first paragraph but I guess this is the only place I can unload. I've been thinking about stealing a notebook and keeping a journal/ writing book with me at all times just so I can maybe actually put something interesting up on here. Well I guess I'll attempt to go to bed again. Maybe try putting my Ipod in this time. As always, until next time.


Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Lately I've been wondering why I only listen to my Ipod in a few different situation. 1.) On my way to school 2.) On my way home from school (Only if I ride the bus) and 3.) When I'm upset and have homework to do. I've been thinking about it each time I put my Ipod in and blast the music and it's finally come to me. My music helps me bottle everything up. It helps me push down emotions that would otherwise ruin my day. The louder the music blasts the harder it pushes so many emotions into this little bottle I like to believe is tucked deep in my brain or sometimes my heart.

My music gets me ready for the school day. It pushes all my fears, thoughts, and emotions from dreams I have had the night before. It pushes all the stress from the school day down so when I get home I dont blow up in my mom's annoying whiny and demanding face but that's only on the bus. Because lately I've had track after school, track is another alternative. Something about being was really great people, and something about running a mile that picking up spears, disks, and heavy balls to throw as hard as I can helps me unwind. Oh and dont forget about me running and using a pole to jump over something that is 8 feet tall. Then I listen to music when I'm upset and have homework because it both pushes those emotions away and gets me set on one thing and one thing only and that is getting my homework done.

In the end it seems that music is what is keeping me sane on the outside and slowly driving me crazy. That added onto the little and very disturbed sleep I have and everyone in my life that just drives me closer and closer to the ultimate sin. Sometimes I wonder just how stable I really am. No one on the outside would ever realize but on the inside I scare myself sometimes. Violent massacres, suicide, rape, and arsony all twirl around in a vortex of darker and darker thoughts. They have yet to break through. The closest thing to a break through is my rage bringing a murder about and I highly doubt that will happen just because it only happens rarely. I dont know. Either way I guess I"m a really scary person but for some reason people arent intimidated. And I dont plan them to be until the exact moment that it's to late.

Now that I've scared you almost as much as I scare myself I'm going to bed. Only for tomorrow to be a repeat of my daily routine that has yet to surprise me. My life is boring. School is a waste of my time. It all just seems so close yet so far away. Until next time.


Sunday, April 11, 2010

Another Post, Another Night with Disturbed Sleep

I feel the need to keep up with this again. If only just to get my thoughts out of my head where they have been swirling and twirling and clashing together for the last few days. A complete maelstrom of thoughts and feelings that end up equally down to a 4 letter word. Yeah the word is "blah" not love because I know that's the word you were thinking. I know you were thinking "This post is about me" or if you're the person I want to be reading this you're now laughing that I knew exactly what was going through your head. Blah.

It's really one emotion. It's many. You put on the surface a fake smile and friendly attitude, underneath is an undescribable depression that comes from things that have just been piling up and piling up, and the core is anger. Pure rage. Think of it as a volcano waiting to explode. This is an increasingly bad thing because in this lava is almost everyone's worst nightmares. Their most person secrets or stories or experiences that could be used against them. That the world could find out about in a New York minute.

At work the other night I was talking to a friend of mine. She's one of the few people that I dont fake a smile for. You have the honest me, and then you have the 100% completely absolutely honest me that doesnt give just part of the truth. When I'm around her or I'm talking to her I am the completely honest me. I was talking about how I wanted to get out of here. How next year I'm shipping off to boot camp and then I'm either being shipped to Iraq or I'm getting getting on a ship to travel the world. Not sure which one yet. It could be either of them at this point depending on how crazy I want to be.

The weird thing is that I have this feeling of something bigger. It's like there is something out there that no one has thought of, or felt, or even dreamed of. I could also blame this feeling to lack of sleep and deep depression that is making me have memory loss and social problems. Then I talk about all that and I realize how much of a problem my life is and how everyone must get so sick and tired of hearing it. I know I get pissed when someone just wont let go for half a second and look on the bright side.

Either way there isnt really anything good to right about. Maybe in my sleep I'll have a dream tha twill inspire me. Or maybe I just wont write until I have something good to say. I'm going to try and get some sleep though. As always, until next time.


Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Boy and His Bug

Today is a complete blur in my head. From 6 am to know has no vivid feeling, image, emotion, anything. Except for this 2 minute interval from 5:20-5:22. See I was sitting outside waiting for my always late father to pick me up after Track and Field practice. The bench I was sitting on has become a regular of mine because my parents can never be on time. Usually this bench is just a blue wooden bench with granite legs that isnt uncomfortable but certainly not the most comfortable bench I've ever set on. An ordinary bench. But today it seemed so relaxing. Well after my friend Sasha had gone back into the school to change into some warmer clothes seeing as we were both waiting for our rides in windy cold weather, I was getting ready to put in my Ipod when I heard some people walking up from the baseball field. I looked up and it was a young couple, probably in their mid to late 20's. With them was a small boy probably 5 or 6. I didnt think anything of them until they got closer and I could hear the pure bliss of this young boy as he ran about in the grass and yelling and just enjoying his time outside. I looked at the couple and smiled as they came close and then I saw this boy had a vest on over his coat. The vest was a light brown color and on the right breast pocket hung a handeful of plastic "scientist" tools. The vest had many pockets with god knows what else in them. I said friendly "Well he is ready for just about anything isnt he!" The couple smiled at me warmly and said that he was out collecting bugs. This is when I realized that the woman looked like she was late in a pregnancy. At the mention of bugs the boy exclaimed "Bugs!" smiling and laughing and running about looking in the grass. With a big grin I said "I think it might be a little cold for bugs today!" His mother then said "Oh no he caught a big ant!" At the mention of the ant the boy quickly opened one of the many pockets in his vest and pulled out a clear plastic vial and ran over to show. I praised him and laughed and complimented at what a great ant the boy had found. Him smiling and laughing the whole time while the couple continued to grin and hold hands. The lady said in that "Mom" kind of voice "Well you know who to call if you see any bugs!" "Oh yes!" I replied still smiling as they walked away. They had dismissed my presence and I looked up to watch them walk about. The father smiling holding his wife's hand while she held her pregnant belly with her other hand all while the boy smiled and ran about looking for more bug.

I bring this all up because this short encounter brought a flood of emotions and thoughts and memories. The boy reminded me of myself in my young days. I loved nature, animals, bugs, anything that had to do with the outside. My mom bought me a different type of nature book every week. From trees and flowers to reptiles, amphibians, birds, and mammals. I was so engulfed by it and loved reading about everything in God's creation. Then the happy couple brought that feeling of envy that I get everytime I see a happy couple. I smiled to myself thinking how much I wanted something like that but how I always seem to let the people closest to me go. How I can never seem to hold on to that pure bliss of being with someone I cant get enough of. Then it brought me to the thought of how my parents have seemed to never really get along. I think we hardly ever did anything as family and whenever it was a family event how much everyone always fought or how us kids would do something to get Dad yelling. This just makes it seem like my parents are together just because they had me. Just because Mom got pregnant with me 4 months before their marriage. It's just such a deep feeling that I've been having with a lot of things lately. A feeling that no one ever made a word for and can hardly be described in words. I dont think I could write how it feels but maybe talking about it the right words may fall into place.

The next point I wanted to make is my perception of time. Lately my memory has been with time. Time down to the minute. Another thing that has really been getting to me is that it seems like everyday I always check the time at 9:11 both am and pm. Everyday. Without fail. It's just such an awful day in American history and here I am opening my phone, twice a day, right on 9:11. It's things like these along with my dreams that really freak me out. It feels good to be writing again. Sure I write in school, but god knows I could never write exactly what I feel most of the time without them suggesting a therapist and some prescription drugs. Well as always when I write, it is late. I am tired. My plan was to get a bunch of things done but as always I find myself finding some way to spend my time in a way that I find meaning in rather than pointless school. That is a different subject for later discussion though. As aways, until next time.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Superficiality Washed Away

I had not realized that I hadnt posted in almost a whole month! I guess I've just been caught up in so much, and that I've had my mind on near lock down. My parents unplugged my internet for about a week in an attempt to "inspire" me to do some homework for once, I bet you can guess how that worked out. As promised though I am bringing probably one of my favorite pieces yet that I am turning into my English teacher tomorrow. I hope she likes it but she has a tendency of beating the pulp out of everyone's papers no matter how amazing. Hopefully this one entry will bring me back to keeping you caught up to my life at least despite the fact I havent gotten around to reading your entries. Here it is. "Superficiality Washed Away"

It was approximately 2:50 in the afternoon after school. I had just gotten off the bus, just like everyday, and found that it was raining again. As I walked the 100 or so feet to the bottom of my driveway from the bus stop, I let out a heavy sigh. Today was the first warm rain that had fallen that spring and it was refreshing. I took a big whiff of the fresh spring air and let out another sigh and immediately thought that this was pure bliss. The rain was not so heavy in the amount of rain drops, but rather that the rain drops made of for the lack of number in the volume of each rain drop. It was not pouring, but certainly not a drizzle. These large rain drops could be felt on the hood of my red American Eagle hoodie, could be seen splashing off of my arms and off the ground around me, and the sound of each drop reverberating around me in the soaked road to my left. One of my strange habits when it is raining it to look straight up into the sky, and I have not given this extensive thought more for the reason that I do not want to ruin the amazing feeling this brings. As I looked up to the heavens and the rain drops splashed my face, I realized just how content I was. In that moment every strand of stress, every negative thought and all the build up from a superficial society seemed to wash out of me just as easily as the rain was washing the dirt off the road. This less than two minute walk, from the bus stop to the entrance to my house, seemed like the longest, yet most wonderful walk of my life and will be replaced only by an even better refreshing summer rain. This feeling however ended abruptly when I stepped into my house and back into the maelstrom of stress and emotions that come with every teenager’s life, no less to the thanks of my overreacting mother.

Until next time.


Thursday, March 11, 2010


Lately I've been thinking about how much I scare myself when I'm angry. It's happened a couple times and I havent thought much of it. I was so frustrated yesterday, plus my Biology teacher was giving me attitude so I gave her attitude back. Long story short I got up and kicked my very heavy and full backpack that was probably a good 30 pounds at least acrossed the room. I sat down shaking and sweating. This hasnt been the first time either. Last year I had a thing for punching lockers. There are a good 4 or 5 lockers that have my knuckle marks in them. It also got to the point once where I threw a kid around. I scare myself so much because when I get angry everything is a blur with snapshots of clarity, I'm a machine. Just like when I threw that kid around. It was like everything was a step. 1.) Throw him against the wall 2.) Arm hanging out, grab and shove him against opposite wall 3.) Face open, punch... and I stopped. Right before I raised my fist to knock him out. I walked away shaking my head. It's a scary feeling. It's just snap shots, and then actions. Instinct. It required no thoughts. This is just one of many things that has been bugging me. Maybe I'll write about it more sometime. Until next time.


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Hard Night

I know you dont have your laptop or will read this for like ever but I want you to have something to read when you get back online. So here's my latest entry.

Tonight has been a hard night. I feel like I keep telling someone that already knows my side of the story exactly what they already know. It's so frustrating and it just gets my mind turning again which I hate more than anything. I realizing this post isnt going to go anywhere because I feel like a broken record. It's harder and harder to post my thoughts because I've been trying to guard my thoughts most carefully. Needless to say I'm way over flustered. I just dont know anything anymore. Walking through life on auto pilot. I'm going to bed though. Maybe I'll have something long to post later on this week. As always. Until next time.


Monday, March 8, 2010


Lately everything has been a why question for me. Why do I want to do this? Why do I act like this? Why do I feel like this? Why why why why why why why? I've been questioning everything lately. Nothing seems right and I'm just waiting for something completely bad and eye opening to happen to me but I'm still walking in a haze.

Moving on the what I've done since I last posted. Well today was my first time ever donating blood to the Red Cross. It wasnt an extremely great experience but I'm glad I did it because I feel like I helped someone in need. Later on this week I'm going to take the ASVAPS or whatever it is to see about my military opportunities. Kinda nervous because I want to do good on my first try to see exactly what they will let me do. Midterms come out tomorrow and I'm looking at two big fat F's I couldnt stop from slipping through. My dad is going to kill me unles I killm yself before hand so Idk if I'll even make it.

Still girls desperately throwing themselves at me like I'm the perfect boy friend and blah blah blahh. That or they just want to get laid. Tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother reminded me of what I'm going through right now. Mourning periods. How after getting out of a relationship there is this time you just dont want to do anything to hurt each other even more than you've already been hurt. Even then I dont think I'm getting out of this Mourning Period anytime soon. I cant be a player or an assshole like these other guys that run around like they own the place.

Still it always seems the nice guy always finishes last. Oh well I'll deal. As always until next time


Saturday, March 6, 2010


Lately my music has been what's getting me through so much that's been going. It's gotten me through anger, sadness, and confusion. However, my music also brings back more than I want to think about. This line from Fall Out Boy (One of my favorite bands) really just came crashing down on me. "Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman. Maybe he wont find out what I know. You were the last good thing about this part of town." Music and keeping myself busy. That's all I can do right now. It helps. So I'm keeping my head in the clouds, music in my ears, and myself constantly busy. I know this was short but I'm trying to make life simple right now. As always, until next time.


Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Latest, The Greatest

It's all the same. My life is just so predictable. I wake up at 6am. Get ready for the day. Go downstairs and wait for 10 minutes until I have to go out to wait for the bus. As soon as I'm on the bus I put in my Ipod, put on some screamo and blast the music. This gets me prepared for the day. Sometimes I sleep depending on my lack of sleep the night before. I get off the bus and my day goes the same. 5 classes and 1 or 2 study halls depending on the day. I walk the same way everyday. See the same people. In general I wast about 7 hours of my life a day going to school because God knows the stuff I learn I could teach myself if I had the books. I get on the bus and either throw in my Ipod again, or just talk to people. I get home. I play Xbox and might try at some homework (which I find unnecessary because I already get the stuff and dont need practice so I'm unmotivated to do it) then I get on Facebook until I decide I'm tired enough to fall asleep without my problems stopping me from falling asleep. On Wednesdays I bring down our trash barrels to be picked up. Friday is never a great day because I go to school and half way through the day I go "YES Friday!!!" but on the bus ride home I realize "Shit I have to work." So Friday night I go to work. Then either go out to Applebees or come straight home. Saturday I sleep in then work the afternoon away. Sunday is the same. Then you repeat for the rest of the week. All over again

I feel so predictable. So boring. So mediocre. Extra ordinary. Yet there is no room for change, but I guess I'm afraid of change. In less than a year and a half I will be going away to a college somewhere on the other side of the US that is in a warm climate while I serve in the armed forces of some kind. I then dont intend to return back to New England for at least 2 years if not all 4 years of college. After that is a mystery but I will figure it out.

As for the present I am stressed to the max as always. Mid term report cards are sent out next week and I'm afraid my grades will not be that great. Along with some major confusion about girls that I always have. I think the better way to words it is confusion of myself about a girl. Despite all that I find myself sitting up late at night listening to songs about love and happiness and the guy being happy with a girl. It's something that has never laste for me.

What really annoys me are girls that throw themselves at guys. Just completely flirty and giggly. Even some of them straight up saying they want to have sex with me. It's so unattractive. I've been single for almost 3 weeks and girls are just piling up like vultures. I'm just not dead yet. Oh well. People dont change. Love remains the same. As always, until next time.


Monday, March 1, 2010

First Post of the Month; My World is Blown to Pieces

Today was great. This is in the most sarcastic tone I cant put in writing but if you were here with me right now you'd know today was the worst way start coming back to school over vacation. I dont even want to go into details. Once again my mind is just blown away. It's a feeling of not even knowing what to think. Not knowing what to feel. I want to cry but the tears just wont come and frankly arent worth it. This is the feeling of finding out you've been lied to, to your face, once again by someone you thought you could trust. I try to wrap my mind around why people are like this, how that act like someone they arent. This isnt going to be a long post because I still cant wrap my head around what I should be thinking right now. I guess people really dont change. As always, until next time.


Sunday, February 28, 2010

Another Late Night, More Late Thoughts

Once again it's late and I'm writing what's on my mind. Today someone called me an instigator. I promptly reminded her that I am almost always joking and people just dont know how to laugh, but yet she pointed out a few people that I do obviously instigate to get reactions out of. I cant say I do it a lot, however there are just some people I cant help but try and get reactions out of because they are just hilarioius. For example. My current favorite person to piss off is a 20 year old guy at work that is bipolar and doesnt take his meds. He is always fighting with people and he is one of those "My shit dont stink" kind of people. Well getting him pissed off is funny for many reasons. He threatens to beat me up when I know I can take him but that isn't the funny part. The funny part is that he says he carries a bat in his car and I keep telling him it's because he needs the bat to beat me up. This just makes him more mad and flustered. The second funny part is well, I'm a minor. Idc is he beats the shit out of me. I could use a few weeks in the hospital but the best part is he would go to jail. So this is all just very entertaining.

The next subject I've been thinking about is school. Even though I dont act it, I am stressed to the max. Right now I'm failing everything and this is due to me having to house sit the week before vacation. If it was just me and my siblings we would have been fine, but instead my parents insisted on making my dad's mother stay with us. She's this huge fat ass christian woman who thinks the world owes her something because she's old. Well she comes into this house and takes over. She runs it the way she would run her house. Basically screwing everything up. Because she is so fat she cracked the toilet seat when she was going to the bathroom and had me call my grandfather so he could replace it. So basically everyday was something new. My sister coming to me practically crying because her shirts shrunk because our grandmother dried them, so now she has nothing to wear. So I couldnt have a single thought of homework because I was worrying about what else this woman was screwing up.

On top of all this my English class has a hard core teacher. She could take the writing of Charles Dickens and shred the writing into pieces. So I'm failing that class because English just isnt my strong point. Never has. Math I usually have an A in that class but I didnt do any homework that week and so she wont be excepting any work this week. Biology I still have to turn in a project. History instead of writing this I should be typing a two page essay along with a mini project that I havent done yet. Mean while I've had all this drama that I've finally shed, but I still have work which the manager feels I've been lacking in for a long time.

Even though all this stuff is completely wrong, I am amazing right now. I cant decide if it's the massive ammounts of caffeine in my system or if it's because I've finally shed my skin and grown up. Just moved onto the next state of mind to becoming a independent citizen of this shit hole country. Either way I dont think I care that much for the reason. I know it'll end and I'll be back into another slump as always. My life is always so uncertain because I think to much. Right now I'm just here for the ride. I return to school tomorrow and I couldnt be more excited to see people I havent seen all this last week, yet at the same time I just wish summer was here. I think the next step on my things to do list is to get summer romance. I've just realized I've never had one and I'll have my license this summer which will make it easier. Still doubt I'll find the girl of my dreams but I a summer romance wouldnt hurt. I miss camp, I miss old friends, and I miss the time when nothing mattered. The pure bliss of naivity. I still find myself envying the birds. What I've give to fly away from here. As always, until next time.


Friday, February 26, 2010

Just another update if anyone is even still reading this...

So right now I'm basically falling asleep but that's okay. I'm just going to write what's been bugging me lately. I hate hypocrites and liars and bull shitters. It sucks even more when you find out about all this after a lot of it happened. It's stupid and it hurts but now I've just been laughing it off because I'm happy I finally realized it. Everyone keeps encouraging me to be single but that's really hard for a person like me. I'm the guy that has never looked at a girl and gone "I want to be with her" I've always been the guy that a girl grows on. So it's hard to be single because when you have 20 girls desperately trying to talk to you, a couple tend to stand out. But both of these girls just dont seem like meant to be kinda girls. One is busy every time I'm not and I am busy whenever she isnt. The other is just young. She doesnt know herself yet and I think we are both looking for something different. It's really hard. Another subject came up with a friend. God. Yeah I was raised to believe in him, and I havent ever really thought about it. Well a friend and I were talking and I realized I didnt even know whether I believed any more. This was a daunting thought because of the consequences that this could cause. So now I'm just bugged by a whole lot. I find it so easy to put a smile on for a stranger but my friends know me to well to believe my fake smiles. Yet I dont really feel like talking to someone about my problems. I'd just rather poor my heart out onto this online blog. Idk. Lifes a bitch, get a helmet. Another thing that struck me was this. "You cry to much when you can never remember why you cried. You fight to much when you dont remember what you fought about." This could be true for just about anything. Idk. I'm just rambling but that's okay. As always. Until next time


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Snowy Day=Thinking Day

So it snowed last night. Not much snow. Just enough to cover the grass and bring back that winter sense. Of course I didnt wake up until about 12:30 this afternoon because of a long night which left me restless. Well when I finally got outside to shovel at 3, I promptly realized how heavy the snow was because it was raining. This made me angry because I was already frustrated. I ran inside and grabbed my Ipod to blast some music into my ears and fuel my frustration. Despite that it was a very good work out to lift the snow and get it out far enough so my dad could plow. That's when a song came on that I hadnt heard in awhile. Stronger by Kanye West. I didnt really think of it much for a bit but as the song kept going I started to think "Man. I've been through a lot and it really has made me a strong person." Even though I'm still a little down, and maybe a little bit more frustrated at the world, I cant help but that it for making me strong. So I'm starting to feel a lot better. I've realized this all really isnt that bad. Just gotta roll with the punches and deal because when push comes to shove, I'm the one that wins. So thanks world. Thanks for making me the stronger and better person. As always. Until next time.


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Gotta Get Away From Here

Once again my mind has been thinking about just running away. I'm so sick of New Hampshire. So sick of knowing everyone, and everything. I want to get away. Meet new people, see new places. I'm getting this feeling of being stuck in New England. Even stuck in New Hampshire. It's just the same shit different day. My life is so predictable. It's sad. Thank god I finally have a new girl that is at least a possibility. I dont know her well so I can at least get to know her. One of my friends asked "Why do you even think she's a possibility?!!? She is a huge ditz!!" and I simply told her that so far all the smart girls I've dated have just had a "To good for anything" attitude and I hated it. At least the dumb girls appreciate some stuff. Unless they're spoiled but I can tell a spoiled girl from not in an instant.

So I'm slowing changing things. Trying new things. Talking to people I would never talk to. Starting to date girls I would never date. Maybe it'll make me feel like I've made something out of my teen years. Even though I know I'm going to hold a grudge against my parents for a long time. They held me back from so much. The good and the bad. I'm tempted to shut off my phone, my laptop, everything and just relax this week. At the same time it's going to be my only time to do anything for awhile so I want to take that opportunity.

It's a hard life and I hardly see it getting easier. I cant imagine it getting much harder though. I've been through a lot. As much of an emotional wreck I am, I'm strong. New walls are in order. I'll be ok just as long as I know what needs to be done. As always, until next time.


Thursday, February 18, 2010


For the last few years I have suffered some pretty bad depression. It goes through waves. Some worse than others and other times I completely forget I ever was depressed or why. Either way I've been through much emotional distress.

I think the first time I ever felt so depressed was after I broke up with a long distance girlfriend. I still liked her, and she meant the world to me at the time, but I hadnt seen her in a few weeks and my home life wasnt that great. I felt I had a lot of problems and I didnt want to bring her down with me and I was sorry it came to that. This also seems a little late. I was feeling the early stages of depression before that. My parents have always been controling of my life and ever since middle school I wanted to go to public school. All my friends went to public school and I felt like I was missing out. Yet my parents kept me in a bubble. Pretty much still do really. They control or try to control almost every aspect of my life and it really just makes me want to break away but makes me depressed that I cant do much breaking away at the moment.

Either way depression is a scary thing. I've had times where I wanted to be dead. I contemplated suicide almost everyday. How would I do it? What would I write in my letter? Should I even have a letter? I never really went farther than thinking about doing it and thinking how everyone would act if I did it. This isnt even the scary depression though. The scariest depression is the kind that I'm going through right now.

Now I can honestly say I'm not afraid of hardly anything. Any living creature can walk up to me and I'd figure a way around me. I'm not afraid of the dark, I except it. Death doesnt scare me at all, maybe that's because life seems so much more complicated than just dying. The thing that does scare me is when I'm so depressed that everything is going wrong, that I am so depressed, it is to the point where you cant fake a smile. Everyone can see how you're feeling and how you are dead inside. Then they start to look at you with the largest ammount of concern and just that hint, that glitter of fear in their eyes. This is all because they are afraid you're going to kill yourself or snap and kill someone else. This depression is so engulfing. The world is black and white, nothing matters, nothing has significance, I can just barely get the motivation to walk instead of just falling to my knees and screaming. This depression makes you feel helpless. Not scared, or sad, or mad. It makes you feel empty. It creates an engulfing shell.

Yet I have a strong desire to not go to a phychiatrist. This is because I just feel like I hardly have a reason to feel this way but I still do. I dont want meds because once you're on them it's hard to quite because of hormonal instability. So this depression gives me insomnia. Not because of what on my mind, but what my dreams are going to show me. Whether it's that girl I couldnt have but still held onto and hurt her in the end. Or me killing myself in the most possible way possible. A dream where everyone walks past me crying and shaking and screaming without even looking at me or caring. So I dont sleep. Another thing I cant take. Sleeping meds. I know people who's insomnia grew 100 times worse after trying to quite their meds. I dont want to be like that. I dont need a human created mind wiping drug to make me feel better.

Really this entry could go on and on. The words are flowing and it's bringing me from subject to subject but I am tired. I need sleep. Even though I know as soon as my laptop is off and the lights have been turned off, all my fears will come back to me and I wont be able to sleep yet again. At least I can say I'm trying. Sometimes trying is just not enought. Good night and until next time. As always.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Late Night Thoughts

It's so strange how I stay up so late, knowing I have to get up early in the morning. I dont even try to go to bed anymore. Then I find myself thinking, and then I'm here. Typing another entry, pouring my heart out onto the computer for god knows who to read these days. I guess that's all fine though. Mainly because I write this only for one person. She seems to get what I'm saying and we interest each other beyond belief...well at least she interests me because we have lived so differently but have still come out with some very similar attitudes and opinions. Now I'm just rambling.

So why is it that just last week if I went with 4 hours of sleep I was tired, but just last night I only got 2 hours of sleep and got right up and ready for the day? Maybe it's because last week I kept myself up so late afraid to sleep for what I'd see in dreams and nightmares that always come but last night I just non-chalantly went to bed when it seemed fit. I guess I'm just finally succumbing to all these things that have driving me mad, or maybe I'm finally opening my eyes and becoming sane. Maybe this is growing up? I guess we'll find out.

The world is a strange place but surprisingly nothing to be scared of. Some barriers will never be broken and some walls have to fall. I say bring it all on cos I'm getting stronger...or is it more numb? every day. Until next time.


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Smoking and Fighting and My Story

So I havent posted in a long while now. This is due to either many things going on or me just needing to vent my problems in my Xbox by killing people. Here is a quick update. Friday-Worked and had an alright night. Sat.- slept in late in an attempt to get some sleep. Went to work. Came home and hung out for the night. Sun.- Once again slept in, then came home and did some homework. Mon.- Got to school and broke up with my almost 3 month on again off again girlfriend. Had an average day at school, came home and worked my butt off to get an essay done. Today I simply hung out all day, having a, in my opinion, well deserved relaxing pj day. Now to what's been on my mind.

Smoking. Smoking is one of those things I feel is like drinking. It is great in moderation but way to many people abuse it and give it a bad name. Now I honestly have a cigarette or two with a friend every couple months at the most. I smoke because it calms me down and gets me in a good mood. Nicotine does amazing things to me. Now I am smart enough to know I will get addicted so I am going to prevent that by not smoking everyday of my life like people who abuse it. Most people think it's gross but me personally I find I like it. Native Americans, when they had a meeting they passed a pipe around. This got everyone ready for a preductive tribal meeting. Course they didnt have addictives in them so it was better. See that's why when I get a chance I'm going for all natural and seeing how I like it. Even deeper, however, is the addictiveness. The first time I smoked, I had one cigarette with a friend. The next day I surprised myself by finding I wanted to smoke again. It wasnt a sweating balls sensation of needing a cigarette. It was just a want. This interested me and swiftly concluded I wanted it 1.) because of the addictiveness and 2.) because it made me feel like a million bucks afterwords. It's one of those things I probably will never do alone, and will do in moderation so that when I'm in a slump it's a pick me up.

Fighting. This isnt the man to man, busting each others brains out fighting. This is fighting verbally. Fighting is on my mind because, even though I am single now, I still fight with my ex. God I know it's been 2 days since we broke up but we still find ourselves fighting. Fighting about what happened, what went wrong, who was in the wrong. All this the most pointless fighting ever because we are over and it doesnt matter. It makes me wonder if we were always fighting because we werent meant to be or if it is because we frankly just like each other so much that the littlest thing that is wrong just promotes a fight that hopefully will make us understand each other better. Yet after a fight, as much as I feel like crap for fighting, I feel better. It seems neither of us can explain what is on our minds unless we are pissed at each other and in the end we come out knowing what's on each others minds. It's one of those things that will probably never be solved but just wont escape my mind until the fighting escapes my daily routine.

My story. Well I was gladly inspired by my most missed friends Brianna, when she wrote a Valentines Day vampire story. This sprung many ideas into my head about me writing it in a male's point of view. It's been swimming in my head for some time now and still has yet to get even a paragraph onto paper, but here is a little sneak peak to what it will hopefully will be after I write it and Brianna edits it!

Valentines Day
The city was so cold. Every breath was a puff of mist that soon disappeared. This biting cold did not take away from the cities beauty. Skyscrapers were lit up, cars were zooming all about, and couple were walking and laughing holding hands despite the late midnight hour. It was Valentines Day, and like the 613 some odd other Valentines Days I had endured, I was still looking for that one special girl that would steal my nonexistent heart. I crouched on top of a stereotypical "scary" gargoyle that was made to protect from evil spirits that are very much like myself. Not a single person caught my pitch black, piercing eyes. I guess I would have to cram into a club looking for the girl I'd spotted just a few days ago.

I walked confidently right up to the bouncer at the local club. He looked me up and down, getting that sense of just how dangerous I could be, but despite that he asked for my ID. I gave him my fake ID and he motioned me through. I stepped into a dark, fog filled room with strobing lights and people of all types dancing and having a good time. I scanned the room quickly and finally saw her, sitting in a corner sipping on a bloody mary. Tonight would be a good night....

So this was all just pulled right up onto here from my head, to my fingers, to my blog. I'm sure there are a lot of incorrect things, but it is late and I hardly know what I'm typing anymore. I think I will go to bed. Let me know what you think and we'll see about actually getting this short story going and hopefully finished! As always, until next time.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Valentines Day

Dear Blog,

With Valentines nearly here it's really opening my eyes to the different types of girls. You have the girls that are happy with their boyfriends and that boy could get them a rock for Valentines Day and they would cherish it for life. You have girls that do not mind getting anything and are very happy when they get something nice. Sadly, you have my girlfriend too. Where you want something big and grand and great and exactly what you want. Currently the sophomores at my school are selling these carnations that are yellow, pink, and red. Of course of the advertisement posters they have what each color means. Yellow-Friendship. Pink-Admiration. Red- nothing other then L-O-V-E love. So what's the first thing out of her mouth? "I want one!!! You had better get me a red one!" of course me already being frustrated with most things coming out of her simply reply "No I'm getting you a yellow one." and she squeals "You had better not! I would be sooo upset! I would probably cry!" Shouldn't a girl be happy if her boyfriend gets her a flower no matter what the color is? Or maybe I am just crazy.

Valentines Day is the day all the girls go crazy about spending time with their current love and get presents. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. The sad part is the exception is very small. Valentines Day is when all guys with a girlfriend go "Ugggh. More money spent that will probably just end up in a break up." but we still end up going out and buying something we think our girl would like. Men really aren't the big power of the world.

Mean while during all this frustrating V-day crap I have to worry about my grades and other responsibilities on top of me worrying about her grades. It's my weakness. I care to much. If she doesnt pass with an A these next two quarters she will fail her math class for the year. This really disgusts me because I know I'm better than that. I know I deserve a girl that can do better than that. Even the math teacher sees that. Mr. Chase. He is a young man. Probably late twenties. We always talk about guy stuff and life. Well he keeps me updated on how she's doing in class. He has even asked why I keep going back to her and why I dont date someone that is nice, smart, and hard working. I still couldnt answer him though. So that is another thing that's been on my mind. "Why am I with her?" she senses my doubt and needs reasuring almost every waking hour of the day. My whole body acts like I want to be with her. It's only skin deep though. Underneath it all my turning and churning with this ever present problem.

I wish for once there could be more answers than questions. Why do I have to be so complicated? Sometimes I have this desire to just walk into the deep woods of the north with nothing but what I can carry and live a simple secluded life. I envy the stars for their brightness and freedom. I envy the birds who can fly to wherever their hearts desire. I envy even the beggar who has one thing on his mind at once and that's how he's going to make it through that day.

Oh well. Somethings just never change and that includes people. Until next time.


Monday, February 8, 2010

Love and the Boy/Girl Problem

Dear Blog,

Lately love has been on my mind. Mainly because my girlfriend has continuelly been trying to force the phrase upon me despite my continuous asking her not to. This has caused me to ask what love is. To me love is something that I have never felt. Sure I have really liked someone but I have never thought of it as love. Maybe because love has always been defined as something nothing like anything you will feel. I like to tell myself that love is just another emotion as common as anger or sadness. Needless to say I still find myself running from love. Running from saying it. Maybe it's my family issues. Maybe it's because I experienced the loss of loved pets when I was young. Maybe no one knows. Love is just something that has yet to strike me. All that I know is that love will hurt so much more than liking someone. It's the human conflict. No matter how perfect of a couple two people are, there is always something awful about their relationship. This is because two humans will never fully understand each other.

This brings me to the next subject that's been on my mind. How relationships work.

See me and my girlfriend have been the typical on again off again relationship. We hate to like each other. We fight about something at least once a week. Usually over who is flirting with who and honesty issues. Yet I keep going back to her. I have always been the one to break up with her. The weird thing is that if she left me for good I wouldnt care. I just cant leave her. I went into this relationship thinking "Hey. She sleeps around with guys. She'll probably use me and dump me or cheat on me and it'll be over. I dont expect anything out of this." yet here we are 2 monthes later which will be my second longest relationship so far. Yet every relationship I go into expecting love and happieness it is never fulfilled.

All in all there is always something of great issue on my mind. I am not completely sure what willl come up here next. I hope you at least enjoyed this. There is still only one person reading this and I <3 her very much :) Until next time


Sunday, February 7, 2010

First Blog Ever

So this is basically my first official blog. I've had sites where you can have journal entries but I find that so very different. I'm still unsure of how many people I'm going to let know I have this....Right now there is only one for certain :) So any pointers would be helpful. I dont want my entries to seem all clogged up and boring. So we'll see how this works out. Until next time.