Sunday, February 28, 2010

Another Late Night, More Late Thoughts

Once again it's late and I'm writing what's on my mind. Today someone called me an instigator. I promptly reminded her that I am almost always joking and people just dont know how to laugh, but yet she pointed out a few people that I do obviously instigate to get reactions out of. I cant say I do it a lot, however there are just some people I cant help but try and get reactions out of because they are just hilarioius. For example. My current favorite person to piss off is a 20 year old guy at work that is bipolar and doesnt take his meds. He is always fighting with people and he is one of those "My shit dont stink" kind of people. Well getting him pissed off is funny for many reasons. He threatens to beat me up when I know I can take him but that isn't the funny part. The funny part is that he says he carries a bat in his car and I keep telling him it's because he needs the bat to beat me up. This just makes him more mad and flustered. The second funny part is well, I'm a minor. Idc is he beats the shit out of me. I could use a few weeks in the hospital but the best part is he would go to jail. So this is all just very entertaining.

The next subject I've been thinking about is school. Even though I dont act it, I am stressed to the max. Right now I'm failing everything and this is due to me having to house sit the week before vacation. If it was just me and my siblings we would have been fine, but instead my parents insisted on making my dad's mother stay with us. She's this huge fat ass christian woman who thinks the world owes her something because she's old. Well she comes into this house and takes over. She runs it the way she would run her house. Basically screwing everything up. Because she is so fat she cracked the toilet seat when she was going to the bathroom and had me call my grandfather so he could replace it. So basically everyday was something new. My sister coming to me practically crying because her shirts shrunk because our grandmother dried them, so now she has nothing to wear. So I couldnt have a single thought of homework because I was worrying about what else this woman was screwing up.

On top of all this my English class has a hard core teacher. She could take the writing of Charles Dickens and shred the writing into pieces. So I'm failing that class because English just isnt my strong point. Never has. Math I usually have an A in that class but I didnt do any homework that week and so she wont be excepting any work this week. Biology I still have to turn in a project. History instead of writing this I should be typing a two page essay along with a mini project that I havent done yet. Mean while I've had all this drama that I've finally shed, but I still have work which the manager feels I've been lacking in for a long time.

Even though all this stuff is completely wrong, I am amazing right now. I cant decide if it's the massive ammounts of caffeine in my system or if it's because I've finally shed my skin and grown up. Just moved onto the next state of mind to becoming a independent citizen of this shit hole country. Either way I dont think I care that much for the reason. I know it'll end and I'll be back into another slump as always. My life is always so uncertain because I think to much. Right now I'm just here for the ride. I return to school tomorrow and I couldnt be more excited to see people I havent seen all this last week, yet at the same time I just wish summer was here. I think the next step on my things to do list is to get summer romance. I've just realized I've never had one and I'll have my license this summer which will make it easier. Still doubt I'll find the girl of my dreams but I a summer romance wouldnt hurt. I miss camp, I miss old friends, and I miss the time when nothing mattered. The pure bliss of naivity. I still find myself envying the birds. What I've give to fly away from here. As always, until next time.


Friday, February 26, 2010

Just another update if anyone is even still reading this...

So right now I'm basically falling asleep but that's okay. I'm just going to write what's been bugging me lately. I hate hypocrites and liars and bull shitters. It sucks even more when you find out about all this after a lot of it happened. It's stupid and it hurts but now I've just been laughing it off because I'm happy I finally realized it. Everyone keeps encouraging me to be single but that's really hard for a person like me. I'm the guy that has never looked at a girl and gone "I want to be with her" I've always been the guy that a girl grows on. So it's hard to be single because when you have 20 girls desperately trying to talk to you, a couple tend to stand out. But both of these girls just dont seem like meant to be kinda girls. One is busy every time I'm not and I am busy whenever she isnt. The other is just young. She doesnt know herself yet and I think we are both looking for something different. It's really hard. Another subject came up with a friend. God. Yeah I was raised to believe in him, and I havent ever really thought about it. Well a friend and I were talking and I realized I didnt even know whether I believed any more. This was a daunting thought because of the consequences that this could cause. So now I'm just bugged by a whole lot. I find it so easy to put a smile on for a stranger but my friends know me to well to believe my fake smiles. Yet I dont really feel like talking to someone about my problems. I'd just rather poor my heart out onto this online blog. Idk. Lifes a bitch, get a helmet. Another thing that struck me was this. "You cry to much when you can never remember why you cried. You fight to much when you dont remember what you fought about." This could be true for just about anything. Idk. I'm just rambling but that's okay. As always. Until next time


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Snowy Day=Thinking Day

So it snowed last night. Not much snow. Just enough to cover the grass and bring back that winter sense. Of course I didnt wake up until about 12:30 this afternoon because of a long night which left me restless. Well when I finally got outside to shovel at 3, I promptly realized how heavy the snow was because it was raining. This made me angry because I was already frustrated. I ran inside and grabbed my Ipod to blast some music into my ears and fuel my frustration. Despite that it was a very good work out to lift the snow and get it out far enough so my dad could plow. That's when a song came on that I hadnt heard in awhile. Stronger by Kanye West. I didnt really think of it much for a bit but as the song kept going I started to think "Man. I've been through a lot and it really has made me a strong person." Even though I'm still a little down, and maybe a little bit more frustrated at the world, I cant help but that it for making me strong. So I'm starting to feel a lot better. I've realized this all really isnt that bad. Just gotta roll with the punches and deal because when push comes to shove, I'm the one that wins. So thanks world. Thanks for making me the stronger and better person. As always. Until next time.


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Gotta Get Away From Here

Once again my mind has been thinking about just running away. I'm so sick of New Hampshire. So sick of knowing everyone, and everything. I want to get away. Meet new people, see new places. I'm getting this feeling of being stuck in New England. Even stuck in New Hampshire. It's just the same shit different day. My life is so predictable. It's sad. Thank god I finally have a new girl that is at least a possibility. I dont know her well so I can at least get to know her. One of my friends asked "Why do you even think she's a possibility?!!? She is a huge ditz!!" and I simply told her that so far all the smart girls I've dated have just had a "To good for anything" attitude and I hated it. At least the dumb girls appreciate some stuff. Unless they're spoiled but I can tell a spoiled girl from not in an instant.

So I'm slowing changing things. Trying new things. Talking to people I would never talk to. Starting to date girls I would never date. Maybe it'll make me feel like I've made something out of my teen years. Even though I know I'm going to hold a grudge against my parents for a long time. They held me back from so much. The good and the bad. I'm tempted to shut off my phone, my laptop, everything and just relax this week. At the same time it's going to be my only time to do anything for awhile so I want to take that opportunity.

It's a hard life and I hardly see it getting easier. I cant imagine it getting much harder though. I've been through a lot. As much of an emotional wreck I am, I'm strong. New walls are in order. I'll be ok just as long as I know what needs to be done. As always, until next time.


Thursday, February 18, 2010


For the last few years I have suffered some pretty bad depression. It goes through waves. Some worse than others and other times I completely forget I ever was depressed or why. Either way I've been through much emotional distress.

I think the first time I ever felt so depressed was after I broke up with a long distance girlfriend. I still liked her, and she meant the world to me at the time, but I hadnt seen her in a few weeks and my home life wasnt that great. I felt I had a lot of problems and I didnt want to bring her down with me and I was sorry it came to that. This also seems a little late. I was feeling the early stages of depression before that. My parents have always been controling of my life and ever since middle school I wanted to go to public school. All my friends went to public school and I felt like I was missing out. Yet my parents kept me in a bubble. Pretty much still do really. They control or try to control almost every aspect of my life and it really just makes me want to break away but makes me depressed that I cant do much breaking away at the moment.

Either way depression is a scary thing. I've had times where I wanted to be dead. I contemplated suicide almost everyday. How would I do it? What would I write in my letter? Should I even have a letter? I never really went farther than thinking about doing it and thinking how everyone would act if I did it. This isnt even the scary depression though. The scariest depression is the kind that I'm going through right now.

Now I can honestly say I'm not afraid of hardly anything. Any living creature can walk up to me and I'd figure a way around me. I'm not afraid of the dark, I except it. Death doesnt scare me at all, maybe that's because life seems so much more complicated than just dying. The thing that does scare me is when I'm so depressed that everything is going wrong, that I am so depressed, it is to the point where you cant fake a smile. Everyone can see how you're feeling and how you are dead inside. Then they start to look at you with the largest ammount of concern and just that hint, that glitter of fear in their eyes. This is all because they are afraid you're going to kill yourself or snap and kill someone else. This depression is so engulfing. The world is black and white, nothing matters, nothing has significance, I can just barely get the motivation to walk instead of just falling to my knees and screaming. This depression makes you feel helpless. Not scared, or sad, or mad. It makes you feel empty. It creates an engulfing shell.

Yet I have a strong desire to not go to a phychiatrist. This is because I just feel like I hardly have a reason to feel this way but I still do. I dont want meds because once you're on them it's hard to quite because of hormonal instability. So this depression gives me insomnia. Not because of what on my mind, but what my dreams are going to show me. Whether it's that girl I couldnt have but still held onto and hurt her in the end. Or me killing myself in the most possible way possible. A dream where everyone walks past me crying and shaking and screaming without even looking at me or caring. So I dont sleep. Another thing I cant take. Sleeping meds. I know people who's insomnia grew 100 times worse after trying to quite their meds. I dont want to be like that. I dont need a human created mind wiping drug to make me feel better.

Really this entry could go on and on. The words are flowing and it's bringing me from subject to subject but I am tired. I need sleep. Even though I know as soon as my laptop is off and the lights have been turned off, all my fears will come back to me and I wont be able to sleep yet again. At least I can say I'm trying. Sometimes trying is just not enought. Good night and until next time. As always.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Late Night Thoughts

It's so strange how I stay up so late, knowing I have to get up early in the morning. I dont even try to go to bed anymore. Then I find myself thinking, and then I'm here. Typing another entry, pouring my heart out onto the computer for god knows who to read these days. I guess that's all fine though. Mainly because I write this only for one person. She seems to get what I'm saying and we interest each other beyond belief...well at least she interests me because we have lived so differently but have still come out with some very similar attitudes and opinions. Now I'm just rambling.

So why is it that just last week if I went with 4 hours of sleep I was tired, but just last night I only got 2 hours of sleep and got right up and ready for the day? Maybe it's because last week I kept myself up so late afraid to sleep for what I'd see in dreams and nightmares that always come but last night I just non-chalantly went to bed when it seemed fit. I guess I'm just finally succumbing to all these things that have driving me mad, or maybe I'm finally opening my eyes and becoming sane. Maybe this is growing up? I guess we'll find out.

The world is a strange place but surprisingly nothing to be scared of. Some barriers will never be broken and some walls have to fall. I say bring it all on cos I'm getting stronger...or is it more numb? every day. Until next time.


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Smoking and Fighting and My Story

So I havent posted in a long while now. This is due to either many things going on or me just needing to vent my problems in my Xbox by killing people. Here is a quick update. Friday-Worked and had an alright night. Sat.- slept in late in an attempt to get some sleep. Went to work. Came home and hung out for the night. Sun.- Once again slept in, then came home and did some homework. Mon.- Got to school and broke up with my almost 3 month on again off again girlfriend. Had an average day at school, came home and worked my butt off to get an essay done. Today I simply hung out all day, having a, in my opinion, well deserved relaxing pj day. Now to what's been on my mind.

Smoking. Smoking is one of those things I feel is like drinking. It is great in moderation but way to many people abuse it and give it a bad name. Now I honestly have a cigarette or two with a friend every couple months at the most. I smoke because it calms me down and gets me in a good mood. Nicotine does amazing things to me. Now I am smart enough to know I will get addicted so I am going to prevent that by not smoking everyday of my life like people who abuse it. Most people think it's gross but me personally I find I like it. Native Americans, when they had a meeting they passed a pipe around. This got everyone ready for a preductive tribal meeting. Course they didnt have addictives in them so it was better. See that's why when I get a chance I'm going for all natural and seeing how I like it. Even deeper, however, is the addictiveness. The first time I smoked, I had one cigarette with a friend. The next day I surprised myself by finding I wanted to smoke again. It wasnt a sweating balls sensation of needing a cigarette. It was just a want. This interested me and swiftly concluded I wanted it 1.) because of the addictiveness and 2.) because it made me feel like a million bucks afterwords. It's one of those things I probably will never do alone, and will do in moderation so that when I'm in a slump it's a pick me up.

Fighting. This isnt the man to man, busting each others brains out fighting. This is fighting verbally. Fighting is on my mind because, even though I am single now, I still fight with my ex. God I know it's been 2 days since we broke up but we still find ourselves fighting. Fighting about what happened, what went wrong, who was in the wrong. All this the most pointless fighting ever because we are over and it doesnt matter. It makes me wonder if we were always fighting because we werent meant to be or if it is because we frankly just like each other so much that the littlest thing that is wrong just promotes a fight that hopefully will make us understand each other better. Yet after a fight, as much as I feel like crap for fighting, I feel better. It seems neither of us can explain what is on our minds unless we are pissed at each other and in the end we come out knowing what's on each others minds. It's one of those things that will probably never be solved but just wont escape my mind until the fighting escapes my daily routine.

My story. Well I was gladly inspired by my most missed friends Brianna, when she wrote a Valentines Day vampire story. This sprung many ideas into my head about me writing it in a male's point of view. It's been swimming in my head for some time now and still has yet to get even a paragraph onto paper, but here is a little sneak peak to what it will hopefully will be after I write it and Brianna edits it!

Valentines Day
The city was so cold. Every breath was a puff of mist that soon disappeared. This biting cold did not take away from the cities beauty. Skyscrapers were lit up, cars were zooming all about, and couple were walking and laughing holding hands despite the late midnight hour. It was Valentines Day, and like the 613 some odd other Valentines Days I had endured, I was still looking for that one special girl that would steal my nonexistent heart. I crouched on top of a stereotypical "scary" gargoyle that was made to protect from evil spirits that are very much like myself. Not a single person caught my pitch black, piercing eyes. I guess I would have to cram into a club looking for the girl I'd spotted just a few days ago.

I walked confidently right up to the bouncer at the local club. He looked me up and down, getting that sense of just how dangerous I could be, but despite that he asked for my ID. I gave him my fake ID and he motioned me through. I stepped into a dark, fog filled room with strobing lights and people of all types dancing and having a good time. I scanned the room quickly and finally saw her, sitting in a corner sipping on a bloody mary. Tonight would be a good night....

So this was all just pulled right up onto here from my head, to my fingers, to my blog. I'm sure there are a lot of incorrect things, but it is late and I hardly know what I'm typing anymore. I think I will go to bed. Let me know what you think and we'll see about actually getting this short story going and hopefully finished! As always, until next time.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Valentines Day

Dear Blog,

With Valentines nearly here it's really opening my eyes to the different types of girls. You have the girls that are happy with their boyfriends and that boy could get them a rock for Valentines Day and they would cherish it for life. You have girls that do not mind getting anything and are very happy when they get something nice. Sadly, you have my girlfriend too. Where you want something big and grand and great and exactly what you want. Currently the sophomores at my school are selling these carnations that are yellow, pink, and red. Of course of the advertisement posters they have what each color means. Yellow-Friendship. Pink-Admiration. Red- nothing other then L-O-V-E love. So what's the first thing out of her mouth? "I want one!!! You had better get me a red one!" of course me already being frustrated with most things coming out of her simply reply "No I'm getting you a yellow one." and she squeals "You had better not! I would be sooo upset! I would probably cry!" Shouldn't a girl be happy if her boyfriend gets her a flower no matter what the color is? Or maybe I am just crazy.

Valentines Day is the day all the girls go crazy about spending time with their current love and get presents. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. The sad part is the exception is very small. Valentines Day is when all guys with a girlfriend go "Ugggh. More money spent that will probably just end up in a break up." but we still end up going out and buying something we think our girl would like. Men really aren't the big power of the world.

Mean while during all this frustrating V-day crap I have to worry about my grades and other responsibilities on top of me worrying about her grades. It's my weakness. I care to much. If she doesnt pass with an A these next two quarters she will fail her math class for the year. This really disgusts me because I know I'm better than that. I know I deserve a girl that can do better than that. Even the math teacher sees that. Mr. Chase. He is a young man. Probably late twenties. We always talk about guy stuff and life. Well he keeps me updated on how she's doing in class. He has even asked why I keep going back to her and why I dont date someone that is nice, smart, and hard working. I still couldnt answer him though. So that is another thing that's been on my mind. "Why am I with her?" she senses my doubt and needs reasuring almost every waking hour of the day. My whole body acts like I want to be with her. It's only skin deep though. Underneath it all my turning and churning with this ever present problem.

I wish for once there could be more answers than questions. Why do I have to be so complicated? Sometimes I have this desire to just walk into the deep woods of the north with nothing but what I can carry and live a simple secluded life. I envy the stars for their brightness and freedom. I envy the birds who can fly to wherever their hearts desire. I envy even the beggar who has one thing on his mind at once and that's how he's going to make it through that day.

Oh well. Somethings just never change and that includes people. Until next time.


Monday, February 8, 2010

Love and the Boy/Girl Problem

Dear Blog,

Lately love has been on my mind. Mainly because my girlfriend has continuelly been trying to force the phrase upon me despite my continuous asking her not to. This has caused me to ask what love is. To me love is something that I have never felt. Sure I have really liked someone but I have never thought of it as love. Maybe because love has always been defined as something nothing like anything you will feel. I like to tell myself that love is just another emotion as common as anger or sadness. Needless to say I still find myself running from love. Running from saying it. Maybe it's my family issues. Maybe it's because I experienced the loss of loved pets when I was young. Maybe no one knows. Love is just something that has yet to strike me. All that I know is that love will hurt so much more than liking someone. It's the human conflict. No matter how perfect of a couple two people are, there is always something awful about their relationship. This is because two humans will never fully understand each other.

This brings me to the next subject that's been on my mind. How relationships work.

See me and my girlfriend have been the typical on again off again relationship. We hate to like each other. We fight about something at least once a week. Usually over who is flirting with who and honesty issues. Yet I keep going back to her. I have always been the one to break up with her. The weird thing is that if she left me for good I wouldnt care. I just cant leave her. I went into this relationship thinking "Hey. She sleeps around with guys. She'll probably use me and dump me or cheat on me and it'll be over. I dont expect anything out of this." yet here we are 2 monthes later which will be my second longest relationship so far. Yet every relationship I go into expecting love and happieness it is never fulfilled.

All in all there is always something of great issue on my mind. I am not completely sure what willl come up here next. I hope you at least enjoyed this. There is still only one person reading this and I <3 her very much :) Until next time


Sunday, February 7, 2010

First Blog Ever

So this is basically my first official blog. I've had sites where you can have journal entries but I find that so very different. I'm still unsure of how many people I'm going to let know I have this....Right now there is only one for certain :) So any pointers would be helpful. I dont want my entries to seem all clogged up and boring. So we'll see how this works out. Until next time.