Wednesday, May 5, 2010


I'm really getting sick of these depressing entries and I feel like you are too. So this is the last one I'm posting until I have something nice and positive and radiant to say. As for the title, yeah. I cried for the first time in a very long time tonight. The last time I cried was probably something like 3 or more years ago. I cant even remember the last time I cried. It was a soby sniffly cry. It was just tears. I was sitting on the computer drowning in so many emotions and thoughts and I couldnt take it anymore. The tears swelled and dripped down my face, soaking my lap. I dont really know why I cried. I've been through worse, I've felt worse but this time it just happened.

So many things were and still are running through my head. I finally was so split and conflicted with myself that I couldnt control anything. Love, hate, anger, depression. I had it all. Then were the memories. Each one as vivid as if I were experiencing it all over again. It had all been building for awhile. I should have seen in coming. The last 6 days have been so full of everything from confusion to fury and from love to hate. I can honestly say though that I feel better. Refreshed. Like all my emotions drained out more and more with each tear. Now it's nothing, for now at least. I imagine tomorrow I will be back to being frustrated and depressed and confused and all of the above. My only hope is that all this doesnt ruin prom night.

I suppose all of this could also be accounted towards my 5 or 6 hours of full sleep I've had in all over the last few days. The sad thing is sleep hasnt come because of the reason I cried and I'm still not tired. When I am I will force myself to stay away until I can hardly keep my head up then I will go to bed. So exhausted that I wont dream, because I know my dreams will show me exactly what I dont want to see. I was so hungry by the end of work but now I'm not. Everything is out of whack but I need to get over it.

So the next week is going to be rough. I plan to run hard and long just to push all these emotions down. I'm going to start working out so I look half decent for prom next Saturday. I want to have a fun time. I dont know how well all this is going to work. I'll put an entry in when I finally have something good or nice or at least slightly positive to say. You know you can text me anytime to talk. It would be a nice surprise. As always, until next time.


No comments:

Post a Comment