Thursday, May 6, 2010

Wow That Was Quick...

Just wanted to start of by saying "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" because I'm a horny immature teenage guy and couldnt help it.

Anyways, yeah. Good news already. First of all I wanted to say that I cleared the 8 foot mark with 6 inches to spare on Pole Vault today. I was very proud of myself because that was the first time I've ever cleared 8 feet. So that ended track on a very high note and I was very happy. So I have very high hopes for the meet on Saturday that happens to be in Berlin which means me getting to school at 6:45 in the morning to get on at bus that leaves at 7. It's going to be a long day. So this made me feel very accomplished and good.

Second thing, of course is a girl but that's ok cos it's not going anywhere, it just boosted my self confidence. So there has been this girl that I've been attracted to from afar ever since I became a schoolie last year. I've never talked to her, and I didnt think she had ever noticed me in her life. Well apparently at Winter Carnival this year she did happen to notice me. She was with a good friend of mine and we didnt talk, I dont even think we made eye contact but apparently she was checking me out all night while I was doing the same and we never noticed. Well today someone told me I should ask her to prom because she doesnt have a date and then I asked around and found out she was interested in me and I amazed! But sadly quickly angered because I have already said yes to going to prom with another girl. That isnt the point though. I dont really know her but just from seeing her and talking to other people she is a total sweetheart the only downside is that she has a kid. She is only 18, it was a high school mistake of some sort. I dont really know the story.

So in the end I'm feeling pretty good. Prom will be fun. I'm doing good in pole vault finally after sucking. I will hopefully become good friends with this girl and maybe it will go somewhere or maybe I will realize I dont like her. We will see on that part. My only fear is that if anything were to go between us as far as a relationship goes and my mom...or my dad for that matter find out she has a kid then I think they would probably rip my head off. I sometimes hate how judgemental they can be. Whether it's just because they dont like how someone looks, talks, or if they dont like their parents, or anything else for that matter! Just because of this stuff doesnt mean someone isnt an amazing person. Either way I'm feeling better. Still a little bit of a rollar coaster but I'm letting go because holding on tore me apart way to much.

The past holds lessons to learn from, the present is full of new experiences, and the future is full of the unknown. All I know is that my future is going to be hitting the fast track after this year. It's a daunting thought but I think I'm ready for it. I need to grow up and get my priorities straight. As always, until next time.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010


I'm really getting sick of these depressing entries and I feel like you are too. So this is the last one I'm posting until I have something nice and positive and radiant to say. As for the title, yeah. I cried for the first time in a very long time tonight. The last time I cried was probably something like 3 or more years ago. I cant even remember the last time I cried. It was a soby sniffly cry. It was just tears. I was sitting on the computer drowning in so many emotions and thoughts and I couldnt take it anymore. The tears swelled and dripped down my face, soaking my lap. I dont really know why I cried. I've been through worse, I've felt worse but this time it just happened.

So many things were and still are running through my head. I finally was so split and conflicted with myself that I couldnt control anything. Love, hate, anger, depression. I had it all. Then were the memories. Each one as vivid as if I were experiencing it all over again. It had all been building for awhile. I should have seen in coming. The last 6 days have been so full of everything from confusion to fury and from love to hate. I can honestly say though that I feel better. Refreshed. Like all my emotions drained out more and more with each tear. Now it's nothing, for now at least. I imagine tomorrow I will be back to being frustrated and depressed and confused and all of the above. My only hope is that all this doesnt ruin prom night.

I suppose all of this could also be accounted towards my 5 or 6 hours of full sleep I've had in all over the last few days. The sad thing is sleep hasnt come because of the reason I cried and I'm still not tired. When I am I will force myself to stay away until I can hardly keep my head up then I will go to bed. So exhausted that I wont dream, because I know my dreams will show me exactly what I dont want to see. I was so hungry by the end of work but now I'm not. Everything is out of whack but I need to get over it.

So the next week is going to be rough. I plan to run hard and long just to push all these emotions down. I'm going to start working out so I look half decent for prom next Saturday. I want to have a fun time. I dont know how well all this is going to work. I'll put an entry in when I finally have something good or nice or at least slightly positive to say. You know you can text me anytime to talk. It would be a nice surprise. As always, until next time.


Monday, May 3, 2010

If Home is Where the Heart Is...

Then my home is with you. To bad my home has been crumbling since the start. It's really an awful feeling. Wanting something so bad but knowing what you really need to do. It feels like your mind has been split in two and you dont know how to feel or how to act, or talk, or function at all. Stay Together for the Kids by Blink 182. It reminds me of so much. Whether it's you and I, my parents, friends, so much. It's going to be a rough couple weeks but I need to grow up and realize it's the best for you and it's the best for me.

All day I've had flash backs of so many happy times that bring a little grin hardly noticeable. Just a depressing little grin. From MIT with friends 3 years ago or some of our best times. One Less Lonely Girl coming on your tv that morning before school. When I whispered I love you and gave you the teddy bear that I was going to end up burning. When I lifted your face to look you in the eyes and show I cared so much and the world could disappear as long as we had each other. Good memories. Good thoughts. Good feelings. Everything that was ever so bad hasnt meant anything because of these memories. These flitting flashbacks that last less than a second. Seeing a whole amazing day go by in my minds eye within seconds and having the small little moments come and go almost as if they werent their. Then they stop and realize just how much I should have appreciated all those moments more. Not taken them for granted because I will never have memories as good as those but I never did. I just kept going on with my day to day routine like it was all nothing.

So then it's the depression. The anger. Me sitting at my desk shaking from head to toe. Hyperventilating. Closing my eyes and trying to breath. Shoving my Ipod into my ears and blasting the music and trying to destroy all the bad with hard core metal screamo bands blasting into my ears making me more deaf by the day. Afterwords I dont care. Nothing matters. Everything is stupid, boring, and not worth a second of my time or thought.

I guess I dont know what to think. All I know is that I appreciate the small things. Just being outside, quiet, thinking. I've come to realize that one of my favorite sounds and most calming is the chirping of Wood frogs in the spring and summer. It had been forever since I'd heard them but just last week I opened my window to find a small pond acrossed from my house has a small population of wood frogs and they chirp all night. All I have to do is lay down and close my eyes and listen carefully and it's complete tranquility. I could almost tell you how many frogs live in the pond because I lay awake at night so late listening to the chirps and hearing the different tones and pitches. Then when I wake up in the morning hundreds of birds are chirping and flying around the house. I know I've written it before but I envy the birds so much. Their freedom. Hardly a care in the world. Just them and the sky. I would give everything just for a day with a pair of huge wings.

So in the end I guess I'm keeping this blog going because I dont want to disappear from some friends I cherish more than life itself. Lately I've had a desire to just start writing in notebooks. About everything. My whole day. When I finish a notebook just move on to the next one. The only thing is that I would not want anyone to read them and I think someone would find them. That and I want to keep this going so that you know I'm still alive. I'm praying, even begging to God every night that I might be able to go to the picnic because it would be the highlight of my year. Yet I have this apprehensive feeling that both my parents and God are going to just kick me in the balls again and watch me suffer some more. Either way I think I've learned to deal.

So much going on. So much to say. So many feelings. So many thoughts. I dont think I could ever write or type every piece of thought I have because they just keep coming and piling up and then they are lost only to be rekindled again someday when something or someone reminds me of them. I wish I could put it all down right now. Right here. On paper. Maybe then I would not only make sense to someone else but to myself. I'm thinking about writing again. Back to poems and maybe a story. That's only if I can find the time. This quarter I wanted to prove my parents wrong by getting all A's but that's already failing. Well I could rant all night about anything and everything but I have homework to do and it's 11:30 and I havent started anything at all. As always. Until next time


Friday, April 30, 2010

I Hate Mornings...

So this is the first time I've ever written on here anytime before late afternoon to in dead middle of the night. I'm writing because I have a half hour before I need to start walking to go to track practice and this thought is still fresh in my head.

So I was just in the shower maybe 20 minutes ago thinking "God damnit I hate mornings..." then I realized I never really put a reason why so I thought about it and here is what I have. I dont know if you've ever seen any of those sci fi movies where the hero gets his brain downloaded with knowledge or say The Butterfly Effect when he comes back to the "now" and all the events flood his brain. Well mornings are like that to me except usually a lot less painful. My conscience flicks on, yeah flicks. Bam. Awake. Full awareness of everything in a matter of 2.2 micro seconds. Then all the memories flood back in. What happened that week, what happened the night before, and the dream I had that night. Now me having a pretty emotional rollar coaster life, I always end up getting flooded with all my problems because there is rarely ever something happy to think about. Granted I do have my good morning where I wake up and remember something good that happened or something good that will happen that day and I'm actually very energetic, but in 9 out of 10 cases I'm in a bad mood.

Take last night for instance. It was a sex dream. I'm a teenage guy, get over it, but that isnt the problem. The problem is that the girl I was with was one of my closest and most trusted friends (even though I have always had a little crush/interest in her but shhhhh) so I wake up shaking my head going woooow I'd never do that. One reason why I'm in a bad mood this morning. The next is that I remember I have to walk for a half hour to get to school for track practice. On the bright side I really could use a walk. Lets hope it isnt cold out and windy. Mom said it was supposed to be nice.

Oh well. I feel better and now you have an explanation, as do I. So I'm off to get ready for track. Well there is one more thing bugging me....But this problem I'd like to keep to myself because this has never really happened to me before and it kinda makes me happy, yet, it's a problem all in itself. So until next time.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

"Sorry my conscience called in sick again..."

Fall Out Boy. I still cant believe how many of their songs I can relate to and how many of their songs I really like. They're a great band...were a great band. I'm not to much of a fan of their new stuff. But on to my topic.

"Sorry my conscience called in sick again." I've been having a few dilemas lately as always. They never really show up unless I think about them, which is a good thing because my mind has been distracted by video games, friends, and up coming events. See the problem is that one of my friends just happens to be a very boy crazy girl. She has a different guy every week but in the end she has always always always been very attracted to me. Now she's a flirt in general but when she flirts with me it's completely different. She desperately tries to get my attention and does whatever it takes to get me to talk to her. Now I think of her just as a friend even though me being a teenage guy am attracted to her. This is where my hormones and brains come into clash fest. My brain tells me hanging out with her is a bad idea because stuff will most definitely probably happen which will be bad for the friendship, and then you have my hormones, along with every other teenage guy friend, telling me I should hang out with her and get whatever I can from. Of course my hormones tell me it's a good idea. My head tells me not to. It's a big mess and the biggest thing is that she wont admit that she likes me. Not even to her closest friends who have been honest with me ever since she started talking to me. Either way it's a big problem.

My next problem is still these feelings I dont know why I feel. My heart couldnt careless but my head keeps caring and then I get furious with myself for even starting to care. Basically to the point where I am shaking. In the end I just have to find something to take my mind off of everything. I find it so stupid that I'm still being so weak and doing something I know I should. Well mentally of course. I dont even want to get into what I've done physically that I shouldnt have these last couple days. It was a very stupid decision that I also got very mad at myself for but I still did it cos at the time I didnt care but when I realized the reprocutions I started to realize how stupid I was. Either way I havent been myself in many different ways and I'm afraid I'm going to start seeming very fake to all my friends because I am desperately trying to hold onto the me that I know and love. It would seem to be an uphill battle.

Next thing that bugs me are little crushes or attractions to girls. I wouldnt call it liking them because it really isnt me liking them. It's me going "She is really nice, fun to be around, a good person, and we have a good time together" which would spark any guys attention but then I realize just how little time I have and after that time is up I would never be able to sustain a good relationship while I am gone so I dont even go for it. It's to the point where I dont know why I act a certain way. This one girl for example. She had just done something and we gave each a double high five in the air and instead of pulling away we both kept our hands together and ended up holding hands. Then I walked away shaking my head wondering how and why that had happened. It just baffles me. Either way I'm set on being single. I really dont want a commitment. I really dont want another girl blowing up my phone 24/7. Some of my closest guy friends have girlfriends and it reminds me of how I was. The girl always squeeling and whining baaaabe when she cant get what she wants. Or him always on the phone texting or calling her. It's just so stupid. It's a waste of time. Sure it's great to keep in contact. To see each other but I really think it is possible for each of them to have a little bit of their own time. Or maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I dont value such an amazing human connection. Maybe I was just never meant to charish moments with someone. Maybe I'm just a loner. Either way that's the wait it will be. As always, until next time.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

It's Like....

In my heart I've let you go to the wind but in my head I still dont know what to think.

I want to care and I start to care but I lose it and just get angry at myself.

I want to believe you've changed and that you really are making your life better and doing what is right for you but after 4 months of seeing how you had chosen to be I dont.

I'm fine with everything, I'm happy I'm single. I'm glad I dont have a girl in my life just to tie me down and keep me from my dreams but I still feel like I'm alone in everything.

I'm going crazy on the inside but I find I'm still so sane.

I feel the limitations of my body and of my mind but every time I push the boundries of both the physical and mental the more I realize just how limited I am.

I have so many questions, so many feelings, and so many thoughts that just wont seem to be answered or resolved.

I'm just not meant to be with someone and I'm just meant to show people the path they really belong on, but in a way that I dont even realize.

I have so many worries of hurting someone else in my own selfish acts so I put my friends first and in the end make bigger mistakes by having the wrong friends.

I cant wait to get out of the house but I'm still so scared of the real world. Of have to fend for myself and work all for nothing than the next bill or the next meal.

It's like I can never get anything right...


Monday, April 26, 2010


Yeah. Lately. Lately I've been having these feeling that I dont know why I feel or even really waht to call the feeling. I cant even describe it...typing at least. My talking about it I could describe it minimally but it's not a feeling anyone could get unless they felt it. On top of that I dont feel myself at all. The last couple days have been really fun but I havent exactly been a good boy. It's just made me feel so out of it and I dont even seem to know myself anymore...or at least right now.

Either way I dont really know where I was going with this entry and I've decided it's just going to be short. I'm to tired to go into some deep meaningful thoughts. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe...As always until next time