Thursday, March 11, 2010


Lately I've been thinking about how much I scare myself when I'm angry. It's happened a couple times and I havent thought much of it. I was so frustrated yesterday, plus my Biology teacher was giving me attitude so I gave her attitude back. Long story short I got up and kicked my very heavy and full backpack that was probably a good 30 pounds at least acrossed the room. I sat down shaking and sweating. This hasnt been the first time either. Last year I had a thing for punching lockers. There are a good 4 or 5 lockers that have my knuckle marks in them. It also got to the point once where I threw a kid around. I scare myself so much because when I get angry everything is a blur with snapshots of clarity, I'm a machine. Just like when I threw that kid around. It was like everything was a step. 1.) Throw him against the wall 2.) Arm hanging out, grab and shove him against opposite wall 3.) Face open, punch... and I stopped. Right before I raised my fist to knock him out. I walked away shaking my head. It's a scary feeling. It's just snap shots, and then actions. Instinct. It required no thoughts. This is just one of many things that has been bugging me. Maybe I'll write about it more sometime. Until next time.


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Hard Night

I know you dont have your laptop or will read this for like ever but I want you to have something to read when you get back online. So here's my latest entry.

Tonight has been a hard night. I feel like I keep telling someone that already knows my side of the story exactly what they already know. It's so frustrating and it just gets my mind turning again which I hate more than anything. I realizing this post isnt going to go anywhere because I feel like a broken record. It's harder and harder to post my thoughts because I've been trying to guard my thoughts most carefully. Needless to say I'm way over flustered. I just dont know anything anymore. Walking through life on auto pilot. I'm going to bed though. Maybe I'll have something long to post later on this week. As always. Until next time.


Monday, March 8, 2010


Lately everything has been a why question for me. Why do I want to do this? Why do I act like this? Why do I feel like this? Why why why why why why why? I've been questioning everything lately. Nothing seems right and I'm just waiting for something completely bad and eye opening to happen to me but I'm still walking in a haze.

Moving on the what I've done since I last posted. Well today was my first time ever donating blood to the Red Cross. It wasnt an extremely great experience but I'm glad I did it because I feel like I helped someone in need. Later on this week I'm going to take the ASVAPS or whatever it is to see about my military opportunities. Kinda nervous because I want to do good on my first try to see exactly what they will let me do. Midterms come out tomorrow and I'm looking at two big fat F's I couldnt stop from slipping through. My dad is going to kill me unles I killm yself before hand so Idk if I'll even make it.

Still girls desperately throwing themselves at me like I'm the perfect boy friend and blah blah blahh. That or they just want to get laid. Tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother reminded me of what I'm going through right now. Mourning periods. How after getting out of a relationship there is this time you just dont want to do anything to hurt each other even more than you've already been hurt. Even then I dont think I'm getting out of this Mourning Period anytime soon. I cant be a player or an assshole like these other guys that run around like they own the place.

Still it always seems the nice guy always finishes last. Oh well I'll deal. As always until next time


Saturday, March 6, 2010


Lately my music has been what's getting me through so much that's been going. It's gotten me through anger, sadness, and confusion. However, my music also brings back more than I want to think about. This line from Fall Out Boy (One of my favorite bands) really just came crashing down on me. "Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman. Maybe he wont find out what I know. You were the last good thing about this part of town." Music and keeping myself busy. That's all I can do right now. It helps. So I'm keeping my head in the clouds, music in my ears, and myself constantly busy. I know this was short but I'm trying to make life simple right now. As always, until next time.


Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Latest, The Greatest

It's all the same. My life is just so predictable. I wake up at 6am. Get ready for the day. Go downstairs and wait for 10 minutes until I have to go out to wait for the bus. As soon as I'm on the bus I put in my Ipod, put on some screamo and blast the music. This gets me prepared for the day. Sometimes I sleep depending on my lack of sleep the night before. I get off the bus and my day goes the same. 5 classes and 1 or 2 study halls depending on the day. I walk the same way everyday. See the same people. In general I wast about 7 hours of my life a day going to school because God knows the stuff I learn I could teach myself if I had the books. I get on the bus and either throw in my Ipod again, or just talk to people. I get home. I play Xbox and might try at some homework (which I find unnecessary because I already get the stuff and dont need practice so I'm unmotivated to do it) then I get on Facebook until I decide I'm tired enough to fall asleep without my problems stopping me from falling asleep. On Wednesdays I bring down our trash barrels to be picked up. Friday is never a great day because I go to school and half way through the day I go "YES Friday!!!" but on the bus ride home I realize "Shit I have to work." So Friday night I go to work. Then either go out to Applebees or come straight home. Saturday I sleep in then work the afternoon away. Sunday is the same. Then you repeat for the rest of the week. All over again

I feel so predictable. So boring. So mediocre. Extra ordinary. Yet there is no room for change, but I guess I'm afraid of change. In less than a year and a half I will be going away to a college somewhere on the other side of the US that is in a warm climate while I serve in the armed forces of some kind. I then dont intend to return back to New England for at least 2 years if not all 4 years of college. After that is a mystery but I will figure it out.

As for the present I am stressed to the max as always. Mid term report cards are sent out next week and I'm afraid my grades will not be that great. Along with some major confusion about girls that I always have. I think the better way to words it is confusion of myself about a girl. Despite all that I find myself sitting up late at night listening to songs about love and happiness and the guy being happy with a girl. It's something that has never laste for me.

What really annoys me are girls that throw themselves at guys. Just completely flirty and giggly. Even some of them straight up saying they want to have sex with me. It's so unattractive. I've been single for almost 3 weeks and girls are just piling up like vultures. I'm just not dead yet. Oh well. People dont change. Love remains the same. As always, until next time.


Monday, March 1, 2010

First Post of the Month; My World is Blown to Pieces

Today was great. This is in the most sarcastic tone I cant put in writing but if you were here with me right now you'd know today was the worst way start coming back to school over vacation. I dont even want to go into details. Once again my mind is just blown away. It's a feeling of not even knowing what to think. Not knowing what to feel. I want to cry but the tears just wont come and frankly arent worth it. This is the feeling of finding out you've been lied to, to your face, once again by someone you thought you could trust. I try to wrap my mind around why people are like this, how that act like someone they arent. This isnt going to be a long post because I still cant wrap my head around what I should be thinking right now. I guess people really dont change. As always, until next time.