Wednesday, April 28, 2010

"Sorry my conscience called in sick again..."

Fall Out Boy. I still cant believe how many of their songs I can relate to and how many of their songs I really like. They're a great band...were a great band. I'm not to much of a fan of their new stuff. But on to my topic.

"Sorry my conscience called in sick again." I've been having a few dilemas lately as always. They never really show up unless I think about them, which is a good thing because my mind has been distracted by video games, friends, and up coming events. See the problem is that one of my friends just happens to be a very boy crazy girl. She has a different guy every week but in the end she has always always always been very attracted to me. Now she's a flirt in general but when she flirts with me it's completely different. She desperately tries to get my attention and does whatever it takes to get me to talk to her. Now I think of her just as a friend even though me being a teenage guy am attracted to her. This is where my hormones and brains come into clash fest. My brain tells me hanging out with her is a bad idea because stuff will most definitely probably happen which will be bad for the friendship, and then you have my hormones, along with every other teenage guy friend, telling me I should hang out with her and get whatever I can from. Of course my hormones tell me it's a good idea. My head tells me not to. It's a big mess and the biggest thing is that she wont admit that she likes me. Not even to her closest friends who have been honest with me ever since she started talking to me. Either way it's a big problem.

My next problem is still these feelings I dont know why I feel. My heart couldnt careless but my head keeps caring and then I get furious with myself for even starting to care. Basically to the point where I am shaking. In the end I just have to find something to take my mind off of everything. I find it so stupid that I'm still being so weak and doing something I know I should. Well mentally of course. I dont even want to get into what I've done physically that I shouldnt have these last couple days. It was a very stupid decision that I also got very mad at myself for but I still did it cos at the time I didnt care but when I realized the reprocutions I started to realize how stupid I was. Either way I havent been myself in many different ways and I'm afraid I'm going to start seeming very fake to all my friends because I am desperately trying to hold onto the me that I know and love. It would seem to be an uphill battle.

Next thing that bugs me are little crushes or attractions to girls. I wouldnt call it liking them because it really isnt me liking them. It's me going "She is really nice, fun to be around, a good person, and we have a good time together" which would spark any guys attention but then I realize just how little time I have and after that time is up I would never be able to sustain a good relationship while I am gone so I dont even go for it. It's to the point where I dont know why I act a certain way. This one girl for example. She had just done something and we gave each a double high five in the air and instead of pulling away we both kept our hands together and ended up holding hands. Then I walked away shaking my head wondering how and why that had happened. It just baffles me. Either way I'm set on being single. I really dont want a commitment. I really dont want another girl blowing up my phone 24/7. Some of my closest guy friends have girlfriends and it reminds me of how I was. The girl always squeeling and whining baaaabe when she cant get what she wants. Or him always on the phone texting or calling her. It's just so stupid. It's a waste of time. Sure it's great to keep in contact. To see each other but I really think it is possible for each of them to have a little bit of their own time. Or maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I dont value such an amazing human connection. Maybe I was just never meant to charish moments with someone. Maybe I'm just a loner. Either way that's the wait it will be. As always, until next time.


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