Thursday, February 18, 2010


For the last few years I have suffered some pretty bad depression. It goes through waves. Some worse than others and other times I completely forget I ever was depressed or why. Either way I've been through much emotional distress.

I think the first time I ever felt so depressed was after I broke up with a long distance girlfriend. I still liked her, and she meant the world to me at the time, but I hadnt seen her in a few weeks and my home life wasnt that great. I felt I had a lot of problems and I didnt want to bring her down with me and I was sorry it came to that. This also seems a little late. I was feeling the early stages of depression before that. My parents have always been controling of my life and ever since middle school I wanted to go to public school. All my friends went to public school and I felt like I was missing out. Yet my parents kept me in a bubble. Pretty much still do really. They control or try to control almost every aspect of my life and it really just makes me want to break away but makes me depressed that I cant do much breaking away at the moment.

Either way depression is a scary thing. I've had times where I wanted to be dead. I contemplated suicide almost everyday. How would I do it? What would I write in my letter? Should I even have a letter? I never really went farther than thinking about doing it and thinking how everyone would act if I did it. This isnt even the scary depression though. The scariest depression is the kind that I'm going through right now.

Now I can honestly say I'm not afraid of hardly anything. Any living creature can walk up to me and I'd figure a way around me. I'm not afraid of the dark, I except it. Death doesnt scare me at all, maybe that's because life seems so much more complicated than just dying. The thing that does scare me is when I'm so depressed that everything is going wrong, that I am so depressed, it is to the point where you cant fake a smile. Everyone can see how you're feeling and how you are dead inside. Then they start to look at you with the largest ammount of concern and just that hint, that glitter of fear in their eyes. This is all because they are afraid you're going to kill yourself or snap and kill someone else. This depression is so engulfing. The world is black and white, nothing matters, nothing has significance, I can just barely get the motivation to walk instead of just falling to my knees and screaming. This depression makes you feel helpless. Not scared, or sad, or mad. It makes you feel empty. It creates an engulfing shell.

Yet I have a strong desire to not go to a phychiatrist. This is because I just feel like I hardly have a reason to feel this way but I still do. I dont want meds because once you're on them it's hard to quite because of hormonal instability. So this depression gives me insomnia. Not because of what on my mind, but what my dreams are going to show me. Whether it's that girl I couldnt have but still held onto and hurt her in the end. Or me killing myself in the most possible way possible. A dream where everyone walks past me crying and shaking and screaming without even looking at me or caring. So I dont sleep. Another thing I cant take. Sleeping meds. I know people who's insomnia grew 100 times worse after trying to quite their meds. I dont want to be like that. I dont need a human created mind wiping drug to make me feel better.

Really this entry could go on and on. The words are flowing and it's bringing me from subject to subject but I am tired. I need sleep. Even though I know as soon as my laptop is off and the lights have been turned off, all my fears will come back to me and I wont be able to sleep yet again. At least I can say I'm trying. Sometimes trying is just not enought. Good night and until next time. As always.


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