I feel the need to keep up with this again. If only just to get my thoughts out of my head where they have been swirling and twirling and clashing together for the last few days. A complete maelstrom of thoughts and feelings that end up equally down to a 4 letter word. Yeah the word is "blah" not love because I know that's the word you were thinking. I know you were thinking "This post is about me" or if you're the person I want to be reading this you're now laughing that I knew exactly what was going through your head. Blah.
It's really one emotion. It's many. You put on the surface a fake smile and friendly attitude, underneath is an undescribable depression that comes from things that have just been piling up and piling up, and the core is anger. Pure rage. Think of it as a volcano waiting to explode. This is an increasingly bad thing because in this lava is almost everyone's worst nightmares. Their most person secrets or stories or experiences that could be used against them. That the world could find out about in a New York minute.
At work the other night I was talking to a friend of mine. She's one of the few people that I dont fake a smile for. You have the honest me, and then you have the 100% completely absolutely honest me that doesnt give just part of the truth. When I'm around her or I'm talking to her I am the completely honest me. I was talking about how I wanted to get out of here. How next year I'm shipping off to boot camp and then I'm either being shipped to Iraq or I'm getting getting on a ship to travel the world. Not sure which one yet. It could be either of them at this point depending on how crazy I want to be.
The weird thing is that I have this feeling of something bigger. It's like there is something out there that no one has thought of, or felt, or even dreamed of. I could also blame this feeling to lack of sleep and deep depression that is making me have memory loss and social problems. Then I talk about all that and I realize how much of a problem my life is and how everyone must get so sick and tired of hearing it. I know I get pissed when someone just wont let go for half a second and look on the bright side.
Either way there isnt really anything good to right about. Maybe in my sleep I'll have a dream tha twill inspire me. Or maybe I just wont write until I have something good to say. I'm going to try and get some sleep though. As always, until next time.