Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Lately I've been wondering why I only listen to my Ipod in a few different situation. 1.) On my way to school 2.) On my way home from school (Only if I ride the bus) and 3.) When I'm upset and have homework to do. I've been thinking about it each time I put my Ipod in and blast the music and it's finally come to me. My music helps me bottle everything up. It helps me push down emotions that would otherwise ruin my day. The louder the music blasts the harder it pushes so many emotions into this little bottle I like to believe is tucked deep in my brain or sometimes my heart.

My music gets me ready for the school day. It pushes all my fears, thoughts, and emotions from dreams I have had the night before. It pushes all the stress from the school day down so when I get home I dont blow up in my mom's annoying whiny and demanding face but that's only on the bus. Because lately I've had track after school, track is another alternative. Something about being was really great people, and something about running a mile that picking up spears, disks, and heavy balls to throw as hard as I can helps me unwind. Oh and dont forget about me running and using a pole to jump over something that is 8 feet tall. Then I listen to music when I'm upset and have homework because it both pushes those emotions away and gets me set on one thing and one thing only and that is getting my homework done.

In the end it seems that music is what is keeping me sane on the outside and slowly driving me crazy. That added onto the little and very disturbed sleep I have and everyone in my life that just drives me closer and closer to the ultimate sin. Sometimes I wonder just how stable I really am. No one on the outside would ever realize but on the inside I scare myself sometimes. Violent massacres, suicide, rape, and arsony all twirl around in a vortex of darker and darker thoughts. They have yet to break through. The closest thing to a break through is my rage bringing a murder about and I highly doubt that will happen just because it only happens rarely. I dont know. Either way I guess I"m a really scary person but for some reason people arent intimidated. And I dont plan them to be until the exact moment that it's to late.

Now that I've scared you almost as much as I scare myself I'm going to bed. Only for tomorrow to be a repeat of my daily routine that has yet to surprise me. My life is boring. School is a waste of my time. It all just seems so close yet so far away. Until next time.


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